Do people ever really do it? Are there deviant freaks who stick their penises into colostomy holes? Well, as Jean-Paul Sartre wrote in Being and Nothingness, every “hole is originally presented as a nothingness ‘to be filled’ with my own flesh…” Even colostomy holes.

If you google around using terms such as colostomy and sex, you mostly read about the struggles of people who, having undergone surgery, are trying to overcome a new self-consciousness about their bodies. Having a bag of excrement attached to your side is not a typical way to make yourself feel sexy. And yet there are indeed folks for whom a new hole is nothing more or less than an opportunity to perform a new type of sodomy. For example, there is the testimony of the man who, having suffered a “lightbulb injury” requiring a colostomy, discovers that “many of my suitors want to pork this hole.” (Incidentally, of all the things you can put in your asshole, a lightbulb is a really, really bad idea.)

For even more compelling testimony, listen to the front-line healthcare providers who see what happens when colostomy sex goes wrong. There is the nurse who contributed this nugget to a “most disgusting thing you ever witnessed” thread:

I used to work on the GI/GU floor. I had this patient that had a colostomy in one quad of his abdomen and a large scar where he used to have another colostomy in another area of his abdomen. Come to find out later that he had the first appliance because his anal sphincter was ruined from having sex and the first colostomy was ruined the same way.

How much fucking does it take to ruin a colostomy hole? Is there a proper way to lubricate the thing? How deep can you go? Is it inherently dangerous, or can one have safe sex with an open hole in somebody’s abdominal wall? Evidently you can transmit infections fucking a stoma. Consider this report from an emergency department:

A man in his 50’s with HIV came in b/c of pain around his colostomy bag. For those of you that don’t know, some patients have to have a surgery where their intestines are brought to the outside of the stomach wall and left open to poop on the outside of the abdomen into a bag b/c of a problem more distal in their intestines.

Figured it would be easy….go take a look at the bag and the surrounding bag and see if there are any erosions or bleeding around it. I was surprised by what I found. There were red, raised, ulcerated, and friable lesions on the skin around the whole and coming from the intestines going into the body. These looked just like….HERPES! I thought no way this is possible. So took a quick swab and sent it for a test. Sure enough…it came back as herpes. When I told the gentleman about it, he wasn’t very surprised. His explanation was pretty straight forward: Men give him money, and in return he takes off the bag and lets them have sex with his colostomy hole and intestines!!

If there are people who fantasize about fucking colostomy holes, you can be sure that there are also coprophiles who titter at the prospect of a full bag. Last year, against all expectation, the 2 Girls, 1 Cup video became the subject of a YouTube fad. Could a new video, a sort of 2 Girls, 1 Colostomy Bag, go viral next?

(Thanks to “Chris Finch” for the link.)

The original news story was posted on the Chinese news site 39.net. Anyone read Chinese? It would be interesting to know how faithful the translation that appears on cinapig.com is. There is a picture of the knife and an x-ray purporting to show it inside the man’s body — but somehow the x-ray doesn’t look right. Compare it to this x-ray of a vibrator caught in a woman’s anus, in which you can clearly make out the spine and the pelvis bones. The coordinates in the knife x-ray are much less clear, at least to an amateur. Any medical experts here?

All that being said, there is a copious medical literature about cases involving “rectal foreign bodies.” The dildo x-ray comes from an article stating that “most surgeons working in busy general hospitals will encounter such a patient at some point in his/her career.” The great bulk of these cases are masturbatory accidents, and you have to wonder whether the Chinese man was trying to kill himself or pleasure himself. After all, if he’d penetrated himself with a sharp knife, he’d have been bleeding all over the place. Clearly it was a dull knife that he stuck in his ass. Was he trying to kill himself really, really slowly? It’s hard not to think that his reasons for sticking the thing in his ass had less to do with suicide than with sodomy.

(Thanks to Angela St Lawrence for the link.)

If you were keeping a list of the year’s lamest excuses, “fell ass-down on a potato” has to rank near the top. You can’t help but wonder if it was peeled or not. And good lord, what if, instead of a potato, he’d had a watermelon on the table? A gourd? Would he have accidentally sodomized himself with that too? And doesn’t his excuse contains a subtle admission of perverse behavior anyway? If he was changing curtains while naked, it implies that he might have been trying to expose himself.

Ever hear that old Smiths song “Vicar in a Tutu?” Well, this case was something more like “Tater in a Vicar.” The glorious part about the song, though, is that it portrays the tutu-wearing vicar as “not strange… He just wants to live his life this way.” It’s too bad the Tater Vicar can’t achieve the same self-acceptance. In the Bible there are prohibitions against adultery, incest, and bestiality, but nowhere in the good book does it say you can’t fuck yourself in the ass with a tuber.

(Thanks to Furpo for the link.)

When you first read that pro-family groups oppose this program, you think it’s one of those ho-hum stories. Of course pro-family groups oppose this sodomistical propaganda! Then when you read their actual reasons, their opposition doesn’t seem so hysterical. But as is usually the case with these situations, their “reasonable” objections conceal a secret agenda.

1. Claim: It is not a fact that homosexuality is “innate.” Secret agenda: The members of these pro-family groups can’t accept that they’ll have to be straight forever.

2. Claim: The program doesn’t warn of the risks of anal sex. Secret agenda: These pro-family groups don’t want kids having anal sex because they prefer that the kids have unwanted teen pregnancies.

3. Claim: Kids with “traditional or moral beliefs about homosexuality” shouldn’t be labelled “homophobic.” Secret agenda: The pro-family groups don’t want you to think the Bible is homophobic just because it says gays are “backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful.  They are forever inventing new ways of sinning and are disobedient to their parents.  They refuse to understand, break their promises, and are heartless and unforgiving.  They are fully aware of God’s death penalty for those who do these things, yet they go right ahead and do them anyway.  And, worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too.” God’s death penalty? That’s not homophobic. It’s just God — who is described elsewhere in the Bible as one angry motherfucker — being God.

4. Claim: Transgenderism is not a sexual orientation but a mental disorder. Secret agenda: The pro-family groups do not want transgender people with biological ambiguities to stop paying for mental health services. After all, what would all the out-of-work therapists and shrinks do? Analyze the idiots who go around forcing their normality on other people?

That must have hurt. Other than this cursory news story, there is no information on this incident. You have to use your imagination to flesh out the details. Imagine the poor guy coming to in the morning. “Ow! My ass hurts.” His pants are full of blood. (The surgery was probably not to remove the fruit but to repair his rectum.) There is a faint smell of something sweet in the air. A whitish fluid drips from his ass. “My God! I’ve been raped!” He pulls a coconut out of his butt and takes a minute amount of solace from the fact that the whitish fluid isn’t ejaculate. It’s just coconut milk.

It is always difficult to understand how something like this happens. If some pervert did this to another person, it would make perfect sense. You would just figure that it was his kink to sodomize people with coconuts. But when a group of people do it, it’s perplexing. Wasn’t there someone reasonable enough to say, “No, guys, this is going too far?” Who thought of this crazy act of violence? Did he think it was funny? Was it homoerotic in some way? Why would he want to even see his victim’s ass, let alone cram a coconut in there? Does it take a lot of strength to put it up there? How big was the coconut? How hard? Was it ripe? Where’d they get it from? Did they do anything with it afterward? Like, did they give their victim a rum enema and force him to shit a piña colada into a stem glass?

On occasion a story strikes the eye less for the perversion it depicts than for the way in which it is written. Here you have a case in which one party accuses the other of ass rape. It’s not the most uncommon crime and the details are not especially compelling. But it’s hard not to laugh at the funny little twists of English in the story — for example, how the victim awoke with “pan in the anus.” Good God, who wouldn’t hate to wake up with a bit of cookware up his ass? Hopefully the sodomist used a no-stick spray for whatever he was doing up there — the “constant penetration of the foreign male organ administered on him.”

And then there is the “related development,” in which a different guy is accused of having sex with a dog near some other bar. How is this related to the first case? It doesn’t appear that one crime had anything to do with the other. Both involve bars — is inebriation what relates the two cases? The article doesn’t specify in what manner the second perp was importuning the dog. Was he sodomizing it? Putting a pan in its anus?

To wake up with a light bulb in your ass is the sort of hideous random event that would leave you having gut-wrenching nightmares for the rest of your life. After all, if you live in a world where light bulbs can mysteriously insert themselves into your most private parts, who knows what else could happen? What if a rhinoceros attempts to charge into your urethra?

But that’s to take the story at face value. Mr. Mohammad claims to have been surprised to find a light in his ass. There’s only one way that’s true: if Mr. Mohammad is continuing to manufacture alcohol in prison, then perhaps he slept through the insertion. Otherwise there are only two reasonable explanations: either he put it in there or somebody else did. Now, if somebody else put a bulb in his butt, he would surely have woken up — unless his butt was already so stretched out from, uh, other prison hijinks. And if he’d woken up, he would have defended himself — unless he liked it.

Somehow that all seems less likely than the possibility that he was just jerking off and wanted some prostate stimulation. He noticed the similarity in size and shape between the light bulb and a butt plug, and in the frenzy of passion ignored the dangers of inserting glass into his ass. He pleasured himself and then either fell asleep or lost the bulb somewhere up there. Waking up, he noticed some discomfort and headed off to the prison infirmery. Sounds plausible, no?

Of course, there does remain another possibility. Perhaps Mr. Mohammad is tormented by some sort of electricity fetish. Perhaps he took out the light bulb, inserted his penis into the empty socket, and then put the bulb in his ass in a crazy effort to form some hybrid figure that’s part circuit and part daisy chain. Maybe he even managed to plug it all in somehow, so that for a brief moment his asshole could shine like a beacon in the night. Then he could orgasm and it would all go dark again.

This is a classic case of failing to recognize the line between a practical joke and a sadistic crime. When somebody passes out drunk, you can’t deny that it’s funny to torture him a little — tie his shoelaces together, smear lipstick across his face, hide his car keys. Maybe it’s even funny to cut the guy’s pants open with a boxcutter. But to put swizzle sticks up his ass? Well, it probably was funny, but the moment you insert foreign objects into somebody’s rectum, you’ve definitely crossed the line — particularly when the guy’s son is around. (The son doesn’t seem to have been in the room at the time, though the brutes made up for it by showing him some snapshots of his father in a state of rather extreme humiliation.)

And that is the really, really sick part of this whole story. Even if you can write off some of it as drunken prank, you can’t help but suspect that it will form a really fucked-up part of the poor son’s psychopathology. The article doesn’t say how old the boy is, but can you imagine what that must be like? To see your father’s coworkers sodomize him with swizzle sticks? Here is a person who is supposed to define your image of manhood, “what it means to be a man,” and his coworkers are ass-raping him! What are you supposed to make of that? Do you lose all respect for your father? Do you laugh it off? Does it fill you with some weird latent rage for not having defended him? Egad. Though it probably seemed inconsequential to the perpetrators, it’s incidents like this that end up making people into mass murderers.

It is unclear exactly what the two boys did to their mentally challenged neighbor. Did they sodomize him? Did they poke him with sticks? The mother says the boys “raped” her son, which implies that they sodomized him. Conversely, a followup article indicates there was an unresolved debate about whether or not one of the boys had his pants down during the incident. No doubt the boy doesn’t want people to think he’s a fag, whereas the victim and his family want to portray the young perp as having gotten enjoyment from the assault. And if his pants were down around his ankles, evidently he must have gotten some enjoyment.

However, if it’s unclear what the boys did to the mentally challenged man, it’s certainly clear what lust — or what some distorted outburst of pent-up lust — did to the boys. Why did they commit the assault? “I wasn’t thinking,” the one perp said. That’s right. They may have been laughing at the retard while they raped his ass, but the moral of the story is that lust makes us all retarded. It makes us act without thinking. Lust is cerebral palsy for everyone.

Sodomy — strictly speaking it refers both to oral and anal sex — is always repellent to fundamentalist religions (not just Islam, as in this case, but to others as well). Usually the rationale is that it’s some kind of sin to engage in non-procreative sexual activity — but if this were true, hell would be bursting with perverts, since ninety-nine percent of sexual activity is non-procreative. Perhaps religions do not feel that it is folly to try to suppress that ninety-nine percent, but it would be like getting people to eat nothing but bread and water when they live in a wonderful world of bountiful foodstuffs. Sin or no sin, it just isn’t going to happen.

Perhaps it was the Marquis de Sade who had the best rejoinder to the fundamentalist rejection of sodomy. Grant a belief in God, he argued (purely for the sake of argument, since of course Sade was the bitterest atheist). Grant what we have since come to call “intelligent design,” the idea that the universe exhibits such perfection of structure that it had to have been made by a deliberate act of the highest intelligence. Grant all that, Sade said, and then ask yourself: in a finely-tuned universe created by an all-powerful intelligence, if God did not want man to practice sodomy, why did he make the mouth and the anus the perfect size to accomodate the male member? After all, if sodomy so offended him, he could easily have changed the scale and proportion of the genitalia. Just as you don’t seriously think about putting a penis into a nostril or ear canal, owing to the obvious discrepancies in scale, so too you wouldn’t put a penis the size of a leg into anyone’s rectum.

The underlying idea is that whatever is physically possible has the tacit moral approval of God. If he could make the human body in such a way that it’s impossible to lick your own elbow — try it — then he could have made the human body in such a way that sodomy would have been unthinkable. He didn’t, and therefore he expressed his divine approval in the creation of a flexible rectum.