While I was waiting for cover I could see [the subject] put lubrication on his semi-flaccid penis and then start to massage it in a rapid motion with his hand in a fist. He then picked up a rubber device and inserted his now erect penis in this rubber device and began to stroke the rubber device rapidly back and forth over his penis. He momentarily stopped and picked up a magazine and propped it on the pedestrian guardrail edge so he could better view it. He then disengaged the rubber device and began to kneel down and insert his penis in the pseudo vagina of the blow-up doll. He began to gyrate his hips back and forth while his erect penis was going in and out of the blow-up doll.

I then seized the blow-up doll, the packaged carton for the blow-up doll labeled as “Lindsay Fully Loaded Love Doll,” a personal rubber masturbation device and a pornographic magazine. The magazine was open to the nude picture of a female. As I attempted to deflate the blow-up doll, I could see that all three of the pseudo orifices of the doll had lubrication on them by the shiny, greasy sheen on them. I then took them to the Central Precinct property room and placed them in a locker as evidence.

Yes, the “Lindsay Fully Loaded Love Doll” was loosely modelled after Lindsay Lohan. Amazingly enough, you can buy it at Amazon. (Is there anything that place doesn’t sell nowadays? Sheesh, you can practically order hookers from the joint.)

So far as the incident itself is concerned, it is not as outrageous as many other illicit acts PervScan has covered over the years. People jerk off in public — front lawns, cars, parks, bridges. So what? All the world, as Shakespeare might have said if he were a pervert, is a stage to the exhibitionist. But what about that police report? Either it is a marvel of discipline, with the attending officers summoning all their professional ability to describe this crime with detailed objectivity, or it is a masterpiece of understated humor, with the officers barely concealing in generic language (”personal rubber masturbation device”) all the giggling and guffaws that the wanker doubtless elicited in them.

You know that famous poem by Wallace Stevens, “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird?” This story about careworkers — er, carewankers? — invites three ways of looking at it. First, if your eyes just glance quickly over the headline, you might well misread it and think the workers were only ordered to “masturbate intellectually.” Second, you might well think, “Hell, if caregivers are giving out free handjobs, I might want to get myself committed to one of these homes.” Third, you might then look at a picture of one of the careworkers — and this will probably decide you to administer your self-pleasure yourself. That lady looks like she would tear your dick off.

Unlike the blackbird, though, none of these vantage points provide obvious subject matter for a poem. Anyone care to try, say, a sonnet or sestina? Or perhaps haiku would be better…

I need my paycheck
The disabled have needs too
I stroke the retard

Or if you prefer to have a more serious discussion about the sexual needs of the mentally disabled, you might have a look at the comments on the recent Medium Denies Oral Sex with Autistic Man.

(Thanks to “Chris Finch” for the link.)

Here is a picture of Mr. Miller. When you look at his face, the neighbor’s comment that “he’s not right” echoes in your head. He looks a little off, and also a little sad.

Here is the juicy part of the police report, as posted on the Smoking Gun:

The male white, later identified as Ronald H. Miller, was lying on his sofa inserting an item, later identified as a claw hammer covered with a plastic bag, into his rectum while completely naked. We observed he had some type of lubricant on his genital area and buttocks which we later learned was motor oil.

Officers entered the home and observed Miller didn’t acknowledge our presence until we addressed him. He removed the hammer from his anus and sat upright but didn’t say anything. When I told him he was under arrest for public indecency, he asked me for another chance, that I give him a break.

Presuming that he had the handle and not the claw of the hammer up his ass, it’s not so weird. He must have wrapped it in a plastic bag so that he wouldn’t get splinters in his rectum, and also so that he wouldn’t have to smell his own ass when doing repair jobs around the house. On the other hand, using motor oil as a lubricant is kind of whacked. It is smelly and hard to wash off. You wonder whether this was part of some intricate fetish — sex with things you can find in a garage — or whether these just happened to be at hand when he felt the need to sodomize himself. “No KY? No baby oil? No lotion? Damn… Well, there’s that Valvoline in the garage…”

On the internet there is a forum or group dedicated to nearly every weird fetish. However, no amount of searching turned up one where guys who jerk off with claw hammers and motor oil can share their experiences. Doubtless that is why Mr. Miller pleasured himself with blinds up and door open. He must have been very lonely, and by exhibiting himself he may have hoped to attract like-minded individuals or to educate others in the joys of masturbating like a deranged auto mechanic.

(Thanks to Chad for the link.)

It is always unfortunate when, in pursuit of pleasure, somebody slips over the edge and kills himself. It’s not much different than somebody dying while skydiving or training lions. You know that there is a risk involved. You figure that it’s manageable and that you’ll be cautious. And then you fuck off into the improbable, leaving a hole where you used to be.

When you hear of any sexual activity involving chloroform, it’s usually a rape. The fascinating study “Sexual Hallucinations During And After Sedation And Anaesthesia” notes that it wasn’t long after the discovery of anesthesia that people started trying to subdue their desiderata with it:

The first reported case of alleged sexual abuse during anesthesia occurred in Paris, France, in 1847. This was less than 1 yr after the first public demonstration of ether anesthesia in Boston, Massachusetts, on October 16, 1846. A Parisian dentist was accused of using ether to assist in sexually assaulting two girls on successive days.

It makes perfect sense. Anesthesia enables the rapist to render his victim passive. And, implicitly, it prevents him from endangering himself, at least physically.

Of course, that’s why chloroform is in less common use among masturbators. It’s dangerous. On one hand, it clouds your mind, impairs your judgement. Even if you use an inhaler with an “emergency release mechanism” that enables you to take it off in half a second, you may be too woozy to realize that you need to take it off. On the other hand, it poses a threat to the body. Especially if you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s easy to cross the line that separates euphoria from death. And if you think it’s romantic to slip off in a drug-induced abyss, think again. “Prolonged inhalation causes paralysis, cardiac and respiratory failure, and death.” There isn’t much sexy about that, especially if it’s happening to you.

It is tempting to blame the victim in cases like this. “What a retard,” you might think. “Killing himself for nothing more than a wank…” But if you’ve ever been contacted — as PervScan has — by the family members of a person who’s done something like this, it’s hard to retain an attitude of mockery. You quickly feel like the protagonist of Nathanael West’s excellent novel Miss Lonelyhearts, in which a guy takes a job writing the lonely hearts column for a newspaper. At first it’s a lark. But then he realizes — and has to come to terms with — the fact that each of the sad letters he receives comes from a real person experiencing real misery. It’s tough to remain insensitive to that, unless you’re a sociopath.

So condolences to Mr. Batley’s family. It’s too damn bad he had to die. Not long ago, PervScan suggested that anyone interested in a dangerous form of sexuality should consider practicing something comparable to the Buddy System in swimming. Do you want to experiment with asphyxiation? For God’s sake, don’t do it by yourself. Get yourself a Kink Buddy in case something goes wrong. Mr. Batley sure wishes he’d had one. And in this day and age — when there is an internet community for every outlandish perversion or fetish — there’s no excuse not to get one. A Kink Buddy could save your life. And even if he need not do that, it might just be fun to share your thing with him anyway.

The vaccum cleaner has attained a legendary status in the annals of masturbation. It’s the suction, obviously, and the fact that the end of a vacuum hose is typically about the size of a human orifice. In this regard, the perversity in the story may well lie with the manufacturers of vacuums: if the hoses were made smaller, like the size of a drinking straw, or if they were made larger, like the size of an air-conditioning duct, men wouldn’t experience much temptation to insert their penises into the things.

Funnily enough, in spite of the frequency with which people talk about sex with vacuum cleaners, it is almost difficult to believe that people really attempt it. For starters, it can lead to injury. In the second place, how good can it feel? Sure, a little suction is fine, but industrial strength action? From a dry, hard tube? You hope the guys who try this at least have the sense to soak a sock in some baby oil and stick it in there. Otherwise they may as well be scraping their dicks on the sidewalk.

In this case, though the guy may be dumb (or so horny that he experienced a momentary dumbness not dissimilar from temporary insanity) for sticking his willy in a Henry, at least he had the presence of mind to invent a brilliant excuse. “I was vacuuming my underwear,” he said. Why sure, of course. Why didn’t we think of that? There is no better way to remove stray pubic hairs and loose dingleberries from your shorts. Why, you can wear the same undershorts for weeks on end if you only vacuum them like a carpet once a day. Sure.

Of course, reading about your kink on PubMed can be dispiriting. The reason is obvious: if your kink concerns doctors, it is probably because your kink can lead to madness, mutilation, or death. For example, articles on autoerotic asphyxiation are numerous — not because so many people practice asphyxia but because a fair number fuck up and kill themselves.

While autoerotic asphyxiation has become well known in recent years, there are other forms of autoerotic fatalities that have yet to experience their fifteen minutes of notoriety. For example, you don’t often hear about autoerotic fatalities with power hydraulics. It’s such an aberrant activity that it’s amazing the medical literature records more than one instance of it.

Slightly less bizarre is the phenomenon of autoerotic electrocution. There have been a few stories on PervScan about electrical misadventures, such as the “reVOLTing” shrink. These don’t compare, however, to two stories to be found on PubMed. A 1997 article titled “Death from Electrocution During Autoerotic Practice: Case Report and Review of the Literature” describes a young man whose body was found by his parents.

A first-aid doctor who was called to the scene before police saw a cable connected to the body and stated that death hypostasis and rigor mortis had already occurred. The police surgeon who saw the body some hours afterward stated that he had not seen any cable. Furthermore, pornographic magazines and videotapes of sadomasochistic material, a bottle covered with feces, and a wire with a plug for domestic current (230 V) at one end and both strands separated at the other end were found in the room of the deceased. A self-made electrode was attached to one of the strands; the other strand was blank, but the remains of duct tape suggested that a second electrode, probably corresponding to the Y-shaped lesion on the chest (possibly a loop for the penis) could have been attached.

The parents, who must have been experiencing not only grief but embarrassment, implied to investigators that the son might have died of influenza. An autopsy was performed and investigators concluded that the

following reconstruction of the accident seems most plausible: the man had been kneeling on the floor, had already plugged in the cable, and had inserted the self-made electrode, which was connected to the tampon-shaped object, into his anus. When trying to apply the second, now missing, electrode (probably to the penis), he touched it with index and middle finger of the right hand. Thus the circuit was closed and he fell face down to the floor, where the electrode was pressed against his chest. The high flux of electricity through his heart caused fibrillation leading to death, whereas a flux from penis to anus would have spared the heart.

Because the police surgeon saw neither the cable nor the pornographic material, it can be supposed that the parents of the deceased tried to conceal the actual cause of death. When the cable was removed, the tampon-shaped object remained between the thighs and the second, now missing, electrode was torn from the cable.

In 2000 there was another case report titled “Accidental Electrocution During Autoeroticism: A Shocking Case.” This article included a picture of the dead perv lying face-down on his bed and another showing the two-bra contraption he had rigged up. This is what police found:

A morbidly obese 18-year-old white man was found lying prone on his bed. He had last been seen the previous evening. Investigators at the scene of the discovery recovered a single beer and literature depicting nude women near the victim. When found, the subject was wearing two brassieres (one underwire, one cotton), two pairs of men’s briefs, a gray short-sleeved tee-shirt, and an overlying red/maroon tank-top shirt. White plastic ties were attached to the sides of the crotch of the white briefs. A third pair of white men’s briefs was folded over the external genitalia and under the first two pairs of briefs. White plastic ties attached the two brassieres to the tank-top shirt at the levels of the right and left axillae and the right and left sides of the neck, causing horizontal foldings of the shirt. The gray tee shirt was under the tank-top shirt and over the brassieres. Both shirts and brassieres were cut at the clavicular regions. Underlying each brassiere cup were two wet folded terry cloths, with a metal washer loosely adherent to the outer cloth. The washers were wrapped in exposed wires from the two short ends of a Y-shaped black electrical cord. When the body was discovered, the long end of the cord was connected to a functional electrical outlet (110 V) via a two-pronged plug.

The ensuing discussion clarified how the circuitry worked:

House current was transmitted via the bifid electrical cord through the washers and wet terry cloths to the areolae… The presence of moistened terry cloths as conductors of electricity to the areolae was fairly distinctive and resulted in a diffuse application of electricity to the chest. It is conceivable that the cloths had been intended as a form of padding, perhaps the electrical equivalent of the ligature padding seen in cases of asphyxia. Additionally, the cloths produced a relatively diffuse pattern of electrical injury; thus, evaluation for evidence of similar previous injury may have been obscured.

Clearly these are sad stories. Sometimes the pursuit of pleasure causes a man to run off a cliff. Moralists will opine that people shouldn’t engage in these activities, that pervs shouldn’t play with fire if they don’t want to get burned. Maybe that’s true, and yet the fact remains that pervs are going to play with fire. It’s what they do. It’s what people do. Whether it’s driving too fast or inserting electrified tampons in their asses, people like to experiment and take risks. No amount of moralizing is going to prevent this.

If you look at these autoerotic electrocutions another way, you can see that these people died not just because they were experimenting with electricity. They died because they were experimenting with electricity by themselves. These are autoerotic fatalities, and it makes you wonder if these men might have lived had they only performed their experiments with a partner of some sort. You know how there is the Buddy System for swimming? Maybe that’s what is needed for the edgier forms of perversion as well — a Sex Buddy System.

(Thanks to Furpo for the link.)

It used to be that young men typically viewed libraries as dour, boring places full of dusty books that nobody wanted to read. Libraries were for bookworms and geeks, not for healthy young men looking for action and adventure. However, little did these macho men know that, even before the internet, there were all sorts of sexual stimulation to be found in the library. You just had to know where to look — and the bookworms and geeks knew where: ethnographic publications with boob shots of tribal women; Marilyn Monroe biographies with reproductions of her Playboy spread; scientific periodicals with close-ups of genitalia. Often these latter were diseased, but it was more stimulating to see a herpetic vagina than no vagina at all.

Nowadays all that is changing. You don’t need to be an expert in obscure ethnographic publications in order to excavate the eros in the bookstacks. Nowadays libraries offer free internet connections to their communities, and the internet offers — well, you know what’s out there. Crazy shit, right? So it should come as no surprise that the library is slowly being reinvented. No longer is it the refuge of the four-eyed nerd. Now it is the haven of a new clientele that includes the shameless Winnipeg wanker, the Arizona college student, the pedophile, and probably a dozen other types of perv. Looking for a wild time? No longer do you have to hit the bars, the strip joints, the swinger clubs, the adult shops. Now you can go straight to what may be the epicenter of depravity in most towns: the local library.

While it goes without saying that Mr. Blair should not have been pleasuring himself in front of his friend’s children, probably most guys can relate to the fact that a mere stab wound would not put a stop to his speed-fueled wanking. After all, what is a bit of blood loss compared to the horrible frustrating feeling of blue balls? The hospital will take care of your bloody shoulder, but they won’t help you with the aggravation in your crotch. Might as well finish the job and take care of the laceration later, right?

To look at the matter from the opposite perspective, you can see that there is a lesson here for anyone who needs to manage a maniac masturbator. If you’re going to stab him, don’t go for the shoulder. Go for the hands. Then again, the masturbating madman just might use his own blood as a lubricant. Better amputate his hands at the wrists. Then again, that won’t stop him from giving himself a handjob with his feet or from rubbing against the frame of a door. If you absolutely must interrupt a man who is wanking with the insane imperturbability that a suicide bomber brings to his terror target, there is only one place to stab him. You know where that is, right? You have to attack the problem at its source.

There is a secretive sexual practice common to both men and women, as well as young people, and it is known as masturbation… Though Dr. Adewale Oguntuase says adults also masturbate, but scientists have different opinions on its effect on health. Some say that masturbation is an act that must be resisted and that those already into it should find a way to stop it because it has harmful effects on the body, especially the brain…

The reporter quotes a lot of statistics about the percentage of people who wank, but he doesn’t yet reveal what those harmful effects are. Bear with him.

Does masturbation have any ill-effect on one’s life, sexual life, libido and most especially, one’s health? Going by submissions of medical experts, sexual coldness in women is far more common than lack of sex drive in men. Many women that practise masturbation develop the habit as a result of many factors, including peer influence.

Aha! Here is a terrible danger. Women who pleasure themselves become frigid. Setting aside the reporter’s own admission that frigidity “often arises from lack of normal sex instructions during the early years,” it’s not clear how masturbation leads to frigidity. A woman masturbates because she’s horny. How would that make her frigid? More likely it’s the reverse: a lack of sex obliges her to masturbate. That would make more sense. But the reporter has a comeback for that too.

Another health practitioner, Mr. Femi Adereti described masturbation as a secret act of sexual excitement which he said can be definitely harmful, especially when carried to excess. “Often the individual tends to become secretive, living in a kind of dream world where fantasy plays a dominant part. Many highly nervous older women freely admit that most of their troubles stem from some form of self-stimulation, indulged in for over a long period of time.”

If women become “frigid” through masturbation, the reporter implies, it is because they come to prefer their fantasy life to their real one. This makes them “nervous.” Common sense, though, would say the opposite: lack of sexual release makes a person more “nervous” than masturbation. And do you note how all these dangers seem to affect women moreso than men? It makes you wonder about the reporter’s viewpoint here.

And if all this talk of nervousness doesn’t convince you, there is the obligatory religious bullshit.

From a religious point of view, Pastor Yemi Aduloju, an Ibadan-based man of God, in one of his sermons, submitted that masturbation is a sexual sin with dangers to health and most especially to one’s spiritual life. According to him, masturbation opens one to sickness and diseases as spelt out in biblical passages like Proverb 6:32 – 33. Pastor Aduloju said: “Sexual sins like masturbation bring down great men and has also brought down great destiny in life. It makes God turn His back on you, even immediately you commence the dirty, unholy, sexual act with temporary pleasures.”

“Sexual sins like masturbation bring down great men” — somehow Bill Clinton comes to mind, but he was brought down by a blowjob, not a handjob. And if “God turns His back” on the masturbator, well, probably most wankers can live with that. After all, God is omniscient too. Even if he turns his back, he knows that you wank. It makes you wonder if “turning his back” might even be a euphemism for offering his ass. Maybe that’s how all this nonsense about virgin births got started.

If all this isn’t silly enough, the anti-masturbation screed finishes with a barrage of bewilderingly unproven assertions.

Other dangers attached to masturbation sexes include inability to pull out of the act. It has even been documented to cause more deaths among boys in Europe than any plaque or war. Masturbation also results in total loss of sexual feelings and desire due to lack of sensation when it is time to actually engage in legitimate sexual intercourse. Quick, early or premature ejaculation is also one of the rewards of regular masturbation. In girls, the breast development is arrested or retarded and the individual also stands the risk of experiencing spinal irritation resulting from epilepsy as a result of loss of seminal fluid in a male.

Masturbation causes more deaths than any plague or war? It retards breast development? It results in an epilepsy-inducing “spinal irritation” because somehow seminal fluid has been lost (from where, the bone marrow of the spinal column?)? When you read this garbage, you realize that the reporter is not just against masturbation. He’s against sanity. Jesus. The fact that this is what passes for journalism somewhere in the world may be more perverse than any deviant sex act ever elucidated on PervScan.