And me? I need my sex partner to be at least room temperature.

xo

Now; Who Isn’t a ” Class VII — Opportunistic ” ? Come on ….. Admit it! :D

What is the Catholic Church’s point-of-view on necrophilia?

There’s a little bit in the New Testament about “rising from the grave”. Look it up and imagine it’s being written by someone winking and smiling and I think you’ll have your answer. Just don’t use a condom or you’re going to hell.

Is there a danger of sexually-transmitted disease?

Absolutely not. When the body dies all form of diseases in the body die too. Instantly! Why, you could pump a bloated AIDS victim till his or her legs fell off and startled the dog and you’d be perfectly safe!

However, do remember that once a body has been in the ground for a while it can become home to moles. Despite being blind they have sharp claws and pointy teeth and have been known to tackle mountain lions when riled. Always prod your corpse partner with a coathanger thoroughly prior to any act of love.

What’s the best place to find dead bodies?

Where you left them. Haha, that’s a joke! But, seriously, the answer may seem obvious to many but for some it can be a tricky problem. Cemetaries contain a whole host of not-unwilling sex partners but digging them up takes a lot of effort. Not only that but you could end up playing a form of lottery; will this body have decayed beyond practical use? Will I open this coffin and find David Blaine trying to beat another boring record?

The real answer can vary from place to place. If you have any mob connections or a local syndicate near you then an arrangement could be made. Alternatively – and especially if maturity isn’t an issue – alternate nights spent dressing up as the grim reaper and an ambulance driver and visiting old people’s homes can reap huge dividends.

Is it true you can just add water to cremated remains and rehydrate a dead body?

Yes it is. But you must remember that both the body and the coffin are incinerated (except in respected crematoria where they remove the body and reuse the casket as part of a con trick). Subsequently, you should prepare yourself for excessively wooden partners after hydration is complete and increased splinter risk. On the plus side you might get lucky and find a good knot in a great place.

Will there be a problem with the smell?

Dead people lose all their senses – including smell – so they won’t mind one bit. Haha, that’s another joke! You can have that one. But if you have access to embalming fluid you might want to start sniffing it daily now.

I’m a woman. What are my necrophiliac options?

God, being a misogynist if the Bible is taken at its word, seems to have made it relatively simple for men to participate in necrophilia with just about anyone, at any time, anywhere, and in any condition. Hell, a skull will do the trick. For heterosexual ladies it’s a little more tricky.

Rigor mortis is a wonderful thing with often hilarious results for morticians and crime scene investigators to laugh about but it only occurs at a relatively set time after death – allowing for normal temperature conditions – and, once the decaying process begins, lysosomal intracellular digestive enzymes begin to leak into the body and relax the tensed muscles. In laymans terms: hello Mr Floppy.

Taxidermy is the solution. You will probably find classes at a college near you. With the skills you learn you might also find that one special person who you want to share the rest of your life with and stuff the entire body rather than just the important six inches. And you could even start your own harem. So, it’s not all bad for the girls.

What about zombies?

Sleeping with a dead person is a large step to take so many people take a trip to Haiti first and employ the services of a Voodoo priest to conjure up a zombie. The odour, lack of complaining, and pressure-free no-commitment sex are all there and that can help to make the minds up of ditherers. However, a zombie will shuffle and moan and try to eat your brain unless you tie it down. Personally, I find this a distraction but if you are in two minds about necrophilia then booking a zombie sex vacation at your travel agent’s may be exactly what you need.

Enjoyability · Even complete novices sometimes get it right and have fun but with necrophiliac sex there is a cast-iron guarantee that 50% of the couple are receiving no pleasure whatsoever!

Abortions · Scientific tests show that conception rates among the deceased are at an all-time low. That’s not an evolutionary process though; that’s the work of God!

Ungodly Thoughts · Once you start regularly climaxing with a corpse you’ll discover that far from thinking in an ungodly manner your actual rate of Godly thoughts will go through the roof. Thoughts like: “Oh God, what the hell am I doing?”, “Dear God, I’ve got coffin splinters in my arse”, and “Oh sweet baby Jesus I didn’t think that would snap off and get lodged in there”.

http://www.neonbubble.com/article/necrophilia-for-beginners

The roleplaying couple may not necessarily be attracted to dead bodies, either of them. Perhaps what they are aroused by is the idea of one of them being unconscious. A necrophilia site I was one had a special section for people who were aroused by having sex with someone that was asleep, unconscious or in some state of unawareness, of which death would be perhaps the ultimate and most hardcore “level” to be at. I have to think in this situation they may be more into the kink of it rather than any actual necrophilia aspects, but I could be wrong.

Romantic necrophiles are of the type that should be touched upon more in fiction and art.

The other categories seem to be one in the same. A necrophile with little to no access to bodies may eventually kill someone. Someone with an interest in mutilation may take to dead bodies because it’s easier than having to deal with a live person, potentially the same with the opportunistic necrophile and the fetishistic necrophile (hey, a foot is a foot, alive or not).

Fascinating stuff.