Masturbation on the Morrison Bridge: 2008’s Best Police Report
To the end-of-year lists dominating the news for the last few weeks, the Williamette Week, a newspaper based in Portland, Oregon, decided to add one final entry — the year’s Best Police Report. The report described an incident with a 47-year-old man whom witnesses saw naked on the pedestrian walkway of a bridge. The police report, which you can read in full, continues the story:
While I was waiting for cover I could see [the subject] put lubrication on his semi-flaccid penis and then start to massage it in a rapid motion with his hand in a fist. He then picked up a rubber device and inserted his now erect penis in this rubber device and began to stroke the rubber device rapidly back and forth over his penis. He momentarily stopped and picked up a magazine and propped it on the pedestrian guardrail edge so he could better view it. He then disengaged the rubber device and began to kneel down and insert his penis in the pseudo vagina of the blow-up doll. He began to gyrate his hips back and forth while his erect penis was going in and out of the blow-up doll.
I then seized the blow-up doll, the packaged carton for the blow-up doll labeled as “Lindsay Fully Loaded Love Doll,” a personal rubber masturbation device and a pornographic magazine. The magazine was open to the nude picture of a female. As I attempted to deflate the blow-up doll, I could see that all three of the pseudo orifices of the doll had lubrication on them by the shiny, greasy sheen on them. I then took them to the Central Precinct property room and placed them in a locker as evidence.
Yes, the “Lindsay Fully Loaded Love Doll” was loosely modelled after Lindsay Lohan. Amazingly enough, you can buy it at Amazon. (Is there anything that place doesn’t sell nowadays? Sheesh, you can practically order hookers from the joint.)
So far as the incident itself is concerned, it is not as outrageous as many other illicit acts PervScan has covered over the years. People jerk off in public — front lawns, cars, parks, bridges. So what? All the world, as Shakespeare might have said if he were a pervert, is a stage to the exhibitionist. But what about that police report? Either it is a marvel of discipline, with the attending officers summoning all their professional ability to describe this crime with detailed objectivity, or it is a masterpiece of understated humor, with the officers barely concealing in generic language (”personal rubber masturbation device”) all the giggling and guffaws that the wanker doubtless elicited in them.
Hm, interesting. I just moved to Oregon and not too long ago, while in Portland, I saw a guy masturbating in broad daylight, on a busy day in the downtown area. He was near the lake view area, in view of some bridges.
Heh, small world. Wish I could say he had a blow up Lindsay Lohan (or some other used up teen starlet) but he was going at it the old fashioned way.
I love that people who bought the doll from Amazon also bought condoms. When having sex with fake Lindsey Lohan, have safe sex!
jessica you should have whipped out your cell phone and captured some of that portland magic for us. :)
james..well the condoms bit.ha ha…maybe they’re realy praticing for when the get to have sex with a human.ha ha..
and i love the tone of the repeort too supervert.
awesome post !!! :)
how come i’ve lived in portland my entire life and have managed to miss the mad masterbaters? probably too high on the beautiful portland weed… ah, yeah, that’s it.
I’ve just read that superb Police Report again. Cracked me up again!
It’s true though. ” Detailed objectivity ” is exactly what it calls for. I’ve had to compose such reports. Saves nonsense in court later.
But, shit; That Officer made a great job of it. I wonder how many times he slapped his pen down and just laughed till his stomach hurt, as he wrote it, though?!
I was driving through a large Australian town once, in the middle of the road near the center of the town a group of aborigines were drinking on the grass divider one of them stood up and took out his hard cock, faced the oncoming traffic and wanked with abandon. It was very funny.
More recently here in Japan (the home of fetish and pervesion), I was on a bus stopped at traffic lights, I looked down, the man in the car beside the bus had his cock out and was jerking off at a porn movie on the in-car DVD player. It is not really surprising for Japan though.
BTW he was the driver..
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