Vicar Went To Hospital With Potato Stuck In Bottom
“A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom — and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked. The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game. The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people’s backsides or genitals. Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll — and a carnation. Speaking of the vicar, A & E nurse Trudi Watson, of Sheffield’s Northern General Hospital, said; ‘He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato. But it’s not for me to question his story. He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.’ She advised anyone tempted to use such objects in sex games to think again. ‘It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening,’ she said. ‘Surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring, and it could possibly end up with the person having to use a colostomy bag as a result.’” — Telegraph (UK)
(Thanks to Angela St Lawrence for the link.)
If you were keeping a list of the year’s lamest excuses, “fell ass-down on a potato” has to rank near the top. You can’t help but wonder if it was peeled or not. And good lord, what if, instead of a potato, he’d had a watermelon on the table? A gourd? Would he have accidentally sodomized himself with that too? And doesn’t his excuse contains a subtle admission of perverse behavior anyway? If he was changing curtains while naked, it implies that he might have been trying to expose himself.
Ever hear that old Smiths song “Vicar in a Tutu?” Well, this case was something more like “Tater in a Vicar.” The glorious part about the song, though, is that it portrays the tutu-wearing vicar as “not strange… He just wants to live his life this way.” It’s too bad the Tater Vicar can’t achieve the same self-acceptance. In the Bible there are prohibitions against adultery, incest, and bestiality, but nowhere in the good book does it say you can’t fuck yourself in the ass with a tuber.
Jeez, one almost can’t find the words to express one’s feelings about this.
One would like to know why they had to cut the vicar instead of just removing the potato in fragments though. Couldn’t they just scoop out the spud with a melon baller? (Boy, that’s another strange image isn’t it? Did you hear the one about the vicar, the melon baller and the potato stuck up his ass?)
If they had just published his name we could have taken up a collection and sent this poor man an extra large butt plug.
Reminds me of a story
Two guys chatting on a beach
1st Harry how come you get all the girls?
2nd Well Joe I got a secret
1st ?
2nd I slip a potato down my swimming trunks
and that really impresses the women.
1st OK I think I’ll give that a go.
Off he goes slips a potato down his trunks and parades along the beach. He’s soon attracting stares but every time he approaches a girl she tells him to sling his hook. Later that day he meets Harry.
1st That was a stupid idea of yours
2nd why’s that?
1st I spent all afternoon walking up and down
the beach and not one girl wanted to talk
to me
2nd I’m not surprised Joe, said his mate,
you’re supposed to put it down the front
of your trunks.
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