“A grand jury indicted a man accused of misleading parents to gain access to their partially clothed children earlier this year. Prosecutors said Ben Hawkins, 44, told parents that he worked for Springfield Research, a fictitious company, and asked for assistance as part of a marketing survey. Hawkins met with the parents and children, who ranged in age from 9 to 16 years old, and moved the children to a separate area where he asked them to remove their clothing so he could inspect their underpants, prosecutors said. The grand jury indicted him on nine counts of importuning, seven counts of kidnapping and three counts of gross sexual imposition. Deputies have identified 11 victims so far. According to authorities, Hawkins committed these crimes from March 1 through July 25 in several Hamilton County cities, including Amberly Village, Saint Bernard, Springdale and Harrison. Authorities said he had previous convictions on charges connected with the attempted use of minors for sexual purposes. If convicted on all 19 counts, Hawkins could face up to 105 years in prison.” — WLWT (US)

(Thanks to “Chris Finch” for the link.)

Gosh, there is so much hysteria about child abuse these days. How is an amateur researcher supposed to collect information about underwear without running afoul of the law? Why, this panicky political and moral climate is making it impossible for the important work of Child Underwear Measurement (sometimes known by its initials CUM) to progress. Does humanity not realize that weighty insights and revelations are being suppressed at the source? If somebody doesn’t hurry to chart the distribution of panty sizes among Cincinnati pre-teens, that information could be lost forever!

Doubtless Mr. Hawkins was a brave individual performing the controversial but important research that no one else dared do. His “Cincy Teen and Tween” program, denounced by law enforcement as a “marketing scheme” designed to serve pedophiliac interests, could have carried the science of CUM to new heights. Why, Mr. Hawkins was such a dedicated researcher that he sometimes even paid his victims $20 to encourage them to participate in his survey of underage underwear. How many other scientists demonstrate such generosity and commitment?

Another of Mr. Hawkins’ projects, startling in the originality of its concept, was to study the relationship of “underwear and razors” among adolescents. Now that this research has been halted by legal maneuvers, will mankind ever be privy to the secret use of razors by young people who have nothing in their underpants to shave? What they do with those razors will likely remain shrouded in mystery forever!

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