“The case of the ‘Pantyhose Bandit’ has neighbors on Geneseo Circle creeped out and at their wit’s end: the culprit keeps dumping pairs of ladies’ tights right by their children’s bus stop on Camp Street. ‘It’s weird, it’s odd, it’s scary for the kids,’ said Laurie Warich, looking at three of the black undergarments and one skin-colored pair left on the street early yesterday morning. The perplexed neighbors have sought police help to solve the caper that has gone on for longer than two years. ‘It’s just crazy,’ said Ashlee Siegel, mom to a kindergartner and fifth-grader. ‘I picked 43 up one day — 43 pair, one day,’ said Warich. Chief Thomas O’Loughlin said police have done some work and talked to a person of interest, but he doesn’t have the resources to dedicate to a full investigation over pantyhose. By the books, the only crime here is littering, O’Loughlin said. ‘It’s not a situation where you’d put two detectives on overtime and have them sit there every night. The end doesn’t justify the means,’ he said… neighbors say they tracked the plates and black pickup truck to someone they believe to be the culprit, the ‘Pantyhose Bandit’ as they call him. Warich confronted the man at his home, dropping the latest delivery on his front steps and saying, ‘We’d like you to stop,’ she said. ‘He’s like, no those aren’t mine,’ Warich said. After the confrontation, the streets went tights-free for a few weeks, but then the trouble recently started again, she said… Warich said police have taken three pairs of pantyhose as evidence. The tights that are dropped are mostly always black and ‘queen sized,’ sometimes used, sometimes not, the neighbors say. ‘It’s kind of gross,’ Siegel said. The ladies say they are considering doing an amateur sting using a video camera and walkie-talkies, not knowing what else to do to catch the culprit.” — Milford Daily News (US)

The pantyhose are “sometimes used, sometimes not.” Naturally we’d all like to know what neighbors mean by “used.” Have the pantyhose been removed from their packaging? Stretched out? Soiled, perhaps?

Certainly neighbors have a right to complain about the man dumping these things at a school-bus stop. Abandoning them in plain view of children puts a nasty spin on a personal fetish that could otherwise be quite harmless. Given that the police don’t want to waste overtime hours on the guy, and given that the locals seem to know who he is anyway, is there any doubt this story is going to end up in some sort of vigilantism? Sooner or later a frustrated parent is going to wig and show up at the guy’s house with a baseball bat or shotgun. Maybe that’s exactly what Mr Queen Size is trying to precipitate — a brawl. Maybe he’s trying to commit suicide by lynch mob. Maybe he’s already made out his will. Most people choose to be buried in their Sunday finest. This guy probably wants to be interred in nylon fishnets.

Meanwhile, the guy must be investing a huge chunk of change in his fetish. If he can abandon as many as 43 pair of pantyhose per night, he could practically supply a small hosiery business. You could do yourself and the community a favor by swinging by the bus stop every morning and scooping up the hose. The kids wouldn’t have to see the “used” things, and you could sell the darn things on ebay — presuming, of course, that they’re not semen-splattered.

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