“Larry Matthews came prepared to give a drug-free urine sample when summoned to the Carbon County Courthouse by a probation officer last month, officials say. But he never got a chance. It turns out he was wanted in Lehigh County, so he was taken to be strip-searched at Carbon’s jail. There, stunned prison guards found he was wearing a jock strap with a plastic bladder that holds urine and a prosthetic phallus. The device, called the Whizzinator, got a splash of notoriety a few years ago, even catching the attention of Congress, when a National Football League player tried to use it to skirt a drug test… Matthews this week had a hearing before probation officials to go over the alleged violations. During it, he claimed he used the Whizzinator as a sex toy. But it’s a defense that officials aren’t buying.” — The Morning Call (US)

For those of you who haven’t heard of the Whizzinator, here is a picture of the gizmo — and here is another showing it in action. (NSFW) According to an interview with its inventor, it was designed with a sort of one-size-fits-all penis:

“We have them made by a large sex-toy manufacturer,” Catalano says. “When we met with their head guy, we told him we needed something that realistically looked like a flaccid penis. He chuckled and said, ‘Well, we deal in fantasy here.’ But we got their designer to come up with something that looked very average. It had to be believable, comfortable to wear and easy to use, to pull out and put away.” For women, they make the Whizzinator available “with the wiener on the side,” detached so they can use the rest of the apparatus without the bulge.

So far as Mr. Matthews is concerned, his excuse — that he used it as a sex toy — is about the only one conceivable, and yet for obvious reasons it’s hardly believable. In the first place, who brings or wears a sex toy when going to see his parole officer? In the second place, how would you use the Whizzinator as a sex toy? Presumably you could pee all over somebody using the Whizzinator’s special pseudo-urine. (Anybody ever tried it? Does it smell or taste like piss?) But this would seem to be redundant for a man, who could just pee all over somebody anyway. Maybe a woman could use the male version — somewhere out there in the internet wilderness there is probably a porn film of a woman Whizzinating on somebody. Better yet, maybe you could wear it on your head. You could pee on somebody from a penis attached to your face. Is that sexy?

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