“A hospital builder has been sacked after being caught having sex with a Henry the hoover. The Polish contractor — who was supposed to be locking up the site — was found naked and on his knees with the smiling cleaner in the staff canteen. A horrified security guard at Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital told him to ‘clean himself and the hoover’ before kicking him out. The shameless builder later told bosses he was vacuuming his underwear — ‘a common practice in Poland’. His firm were refurbishing admin offices 100 yards from the hospital in central London. An insider said: ‘The guard who found him said he was groaning louder than the hoover.’ HG Construction, based in Hitchin, Herts, said: ‘That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh.’ Comic Russell Brand, 32, has also admitted to a session with a vacuum when he was 14. He said: ‘I saw Henry sat there, he was looking at me. Now whenever I hear that name, I have a guilty little smile.’” — The Sun (UK)

The vaccum cleaner has attained a legendary status in the annals of masturbation. It’s the suction, obviously, and the fact that the end of a vacuum hose is typically about the size of a human orifice. In this regard, the perversity in the story may well lie with the manufacturers of vacuums: if the hoses were made smaller, like the size of a drinking straw, or if they were made larger, like the size of an air-conditioning duct, men wouldn’t experience much temptation to insert their penises into the things.

Funnily enough, in spite of the frequency with which people talk about sex with vacuum cleaners, it is almost difficult to believe that people really attempt it. For starters, it can lead to injury. In the second place, how good can it feel? Sure, a little suction is fine, but industrial strength action? From a dry, hard tube? You hope the guys who try this at least have the sense to soak a sock in some baby oil and stick it in there. Otherwise they may as well be scraping their dicks on the sidewalk.

In this case, though the guy may be dumb (or so horny that he experienced a momentary dumbness not dissimilar from temporary insanity) for sticking his willy in a Henry, at least he had the presence of mind to invent a brilliant excuse. “I was vacuuming my underwear,” he said. Why sure, of course. Why didn’t we think of that? There is no better way to remove stray pubic hairs and loose dingleberries from your shorts. Why, you can wear the same undershorts for weeks on end if you only vacuum them like a carpet once a day. Sure.

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