“A 36-year-old man has been indicted for satisfying himself on the seats of women’s bicycles. The man was charged for sexual molestation and damages after police found traces of his semen on the saddle of a woman’s bike, according to the Östersunds-Posten newspaper. The man was first reported in the spring of 2006 when police found sperm during an investigation involving a slashed bicycle tyre. The breakthrough in the case came after a woman reported seeing the man carry away her bicycle and then start rubbing up against it. The man was arrested last July and taken into custody. The 36-year-old man has confessed to the crimes, explaining that he felt an overwhelming calm wash over him when he approached women’s bicycles and smelled the handlebars.” — The Local (Sweden)

Here is the original news item in Swedish. It doesn’t appear to contain any additional information, though it does lend itself to a fun run through an online translation tool. The end of the article translates thus: “he felt one large serene then he has approximate themselves cycle and smelled on butt.” That’s so much more picturesque than “he felt an overwhelming calm wash over him when he approached women’s bicycles and smelled the handlebars.” Maybe it’s even more true. Doubtless the perv would lean over the bicycle seats and “smell on butt.”

Weirdly, this isn’t the only guy in recent memory to copulate with a riding machine. Last summer there was the guy who was surprised in the act of having sex with his bike. In that case, there was some question whether the guy was really fucking his machine or just fooling around. In this case, there is no doubt about the man’s intentions. Bicycles, the man confessed, give him a rise. However, this admission doesn’t explain why he would proceed to slash tires on a bike when he feels an “overwhelming calm.” Did jerking off on a bike ruin his sense of calm and leave him feeling a need to damage the thing? (”We all kill the things we love.”) Or was the story misreported, such that the “overwhelming calm” was really a post-coital feeling?

In any event, compared to the other inanimate objects against which people sometimes rub off, bikes aren’t the weirdest. You can imagine other perverts out there — cyclophiles? — titillated by the delusion that a woman’s ass magnetizes a bicycle seat with magic sex vibes. Panty thieves and other fetishists suffer similar talismanic delusions. The real question here is whether there are perverts who fetishize bikes not because they sometimes connect with a person’s intimate parts but because they are what they are — bikes. After all, jerking off on a bicycle because a woman sat on it is like having sex with a girl because you like her sister. You’re excited not by the thing but by an association. Out there in the deviant wilds, are there any purists excited by the machine qua machine?

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