Neko emailed a link to an archive of a post that seems to have appeared on Craigslist in 2005.

Very Complicated Request, Please Kindly Read!!! – m4mw – 35

Reply to: anon-58988662@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-02-08, 8:53PM PST

If you are groggy or stoned please do not read this, I need your complete and sober attention, for my request is uniquely detailed. I am a man, 35, white, black hair with brown eyes. Okay, first what I am looking for is a woman primary, but secondary it could be a woman and her man, but the man will have to remain behind the black curtain and only watch through the cut out eyeholes. The black curtain is inside the apartment that I reside in. This apartment is a fashionable studio in the hot part of town, and all my neighbors are graphic artists. So now please kindly listen to my request: what I require foremost in a woman with bushy eyebrows. And they must be TWO eyebrows, because one eyebrow is an abonination against Gaia. What I want is for the woman to become naked and pose herself before me. I have a carpeted pedestal so her feet will not grow cold. I will present her with a very well preserved Mesopotamian bowl. She will hold it and she must be careful not to drop it as it has to be back at the museum by 8am tomorrow (I am a worker there). Next I will hand her tweezers. Then she will pluck her eyebrows until her forehead is vacant. The eyebrows will drift into the bowl and then I will take the bowl from her and go to my kitchenette. I will then toss a salad into the bowl and mix the eyebrows in it. The woman can decide the dressing, but I have only vinegrette and thousand island. Next I will re-present the bowl to the woman, along with a utensil, and she will then consume the salad while I watch. I may masturbate during this part of the exercise. However, if there is a man behind the black curtain he may not masturbate, and I will know if does because I will hear him. However, he is allowed to fantasize, and then he write an essay on his fantasies before I release him. After the woman is finished with her salad, I will present her with a Qing dynasty teapot box, which she will open and deficate in. She must be careful with the box as well as it is also from the mueseum and it must be returned or there will be trouble. When she is finished she will return it to me, and I then I will bid her good-evening. That is all. Please send a photo, eyebrows only. I WILL NOT respond to any photos that include anything but eyebrows.

Please, serious inquiries ONLY. THIS IS NOT JOKE. So do not make funny replies to it. I have no patience for impertinence. Good day.

“It’s hard to know,” Neko offered, “what other commercial interests you’d want to contact him with. Insurance?” In fact, insurance salesmen are so shameless that they wouldn’t hesitate to contact a guy like this. Eyebrow fetish? Voyeurism? Masturbation? Art theft? Coprophilia, vinaigrette, and Mesopotamian bowls? No problem. How about some car insurance? Maybe a mortgage quote?

In an effort to verify the authenticity of this “very complicated request,” PervScan read a mind-boggling number of forums on which it was re-posted, discussed, mocked, and derided. When that failed to pinpoint the source of this meme, PervScan managed to track down the person who originally archived it. He emailed:

Man, it’s crazy how that thing is blowing up lately.  I remember seeing it on CL back in 05 or so, though I can’t remember how I came upon it (someone probably sent me the link or I saw it on the shack).  I was already pretty familiar with CL, so I figured it would get flagged pretty quickly (which it did).  I saved the HTML and put it up on my web space before that could happen, so the thread where we talking about it still had some context.  We had a laugh about it and that was it.

Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about it beyond that.  I can tell you it was definitely pulled from CL, though I can’t say whether it was serious or someone was just fucking around.  As I’m sure you’re well aware of, you just can’t tell on the internet.

The post was authentic. But was the desire? The fetish? For kicks, PervScan wrote to the email address listed in the ad but, to date, has not received a response. It’s not surprising. The post is already old. Odds are the comedian or the fetishist — whichever he is — has moved on to some new email service. The text that remains, however, is compelling on its own terms. Why? Because even if it is a joke, even if it does not literally describe what some guy wants to do to get off, it has the virtue of being true in spirit. Doesn’t every fetish involve a highly specific conjunction of objects and actions that, to an outsider, merely sounds bizarre?

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