“Salma Hayek claims her breasts are a present from God. The Mexican actress, famed for her curvy figure, used to be flat-chested when she was younger and regularly prayed for a bigger bust. She even put her hands in holy water to try and make a miracle happen. She said: ‘My mother and I stopped at a church during a road trip we were making from our home in Mexico. ‘When we went inside the church, I prayed for the miracle that I wanted to happen. I put my hands in holy water and said, ‘Please God, give me some breasts!’ Just months later, Salma started to develop the breasts which have become the envy of women all over the world. The mother-of-one added to US chat show host David Letterman: ‘He gave me them! Within a few months, I developed a growing spurt, as all teenagers do, and I was very pleased with the way I grew outwards.’” — Stuff.co.nz (New Zealand)

Sometimes it is easy to get discouraged about the state of the world. Pollution, global warming, overpopulation, war, famine, fire, flood — the world seems doomed. If you’re a religious person and you think that God is wreaking all this havoc on you, it’s hard not to conclude one of two things: on one hand, mankind must deserve some major wrath (but not me, God! I’m good!); on the other hand, God must be one mean motherfucker. If he wanted to annihilate mankind, he could always rain Demerol from the sky and put us gently to sleep. Instead he seems to delight in tossing crazy shit at us, like those plagues he inflicted on the Egyptians.

But then every once in a while you’re reminded of God’s goodness. You can no longer believe that God is such a jerk when you behold a rainbow, a baby’s smile, or Salma Hayek’s breasts. You know that bullshit about the “word made flesh?” Well, one day during Salma Hayek’s adolescence God woke up and thought, “That son of mine wasn’t much in the flesh department. I can do better than that.” Salma dipped her fingers in the holy water and shazam! Salma joined the ranks of those who have experienced a great miracle. Saint Paul was hit by a lightning bolt on the Road to Damascus. Salma Hayek was hit by a boob job from above.

What could be greater proof than Salma’s 36C chest that God listens to your prayers? Maybe famine, fire, and flood are just collateral damage in an otherwise wonderful universe, and God really is good after all? Or maybe God just pays especial attention when hot young things pray to him for improvements in their female parts. Beseech the man upstairs for world peace and maybe he’ll hear you, maybe he won’t. Plead for bigger boobs or a tighter vag? He’ll be all ears.

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