“A homeless man is accused of dialing up trouble at a Rockland County church after police say he broke in at least twice to use a church phone to call a sex hotline. Elim Alliance Church prides itself as a place that welcomes everyone. But James Macnair, a homeless man, pushed the limits of hospitality and allegedly broke the law in the process. ‘He broke into the church in Valley Cottage to use the phone there to call a sex hotline,’ said Clarkstown Police Sgt. Harry Baumann. Sgt. Baumann says he’s never seen a case like this in all his years. The trouble began on Friday when Macnair allegedly picked the lock and entered the church. The church treasurer stopped by and found Macnair in the office on the phone, and told him to leave, but didn’t call the police. On Monday, when the church treasurer stopped by again, she found Macnair in the basement of the building, in an area used as a nursery for children, and he was again on the phone. This time, however, she did call the police, who determined Macnair used the phone to call phone sex hotlines, like the ones that advertise in various newspapers.” — WCBSTV (US)

There probably isn’t much you can learn about sexual perversity from this story, but it certainly is humorous. The Associated Press had a particularly cheeky write-up that began with “Thou shalt not use a church’s telephone to call a sex hot line” and ended wryly with the note that “a desk officer at the jail said it wasn’t possible to put Macnair on the phone to speak to a reporter.” You can’t help but wonder if Macnair himself recognized the comicality of the scene. Did he call sex hotlines from the church because it was easy to break into? Because it appealed to some latent sense of blasphemy? Did he laugh at himself? “A shmuck like me,” he might have smirked. “Jerking off on the vicar’s dime…”

Often it is difficult to understand why a certain story or incident is humorous, but in this case the incongruity is clear. The church is supposed to be a place of abstinence and spirituality. When somebody farts or fucks in this holy atmosphere, it brings the place careening back down to earth. It reasserts our fundamental physicality in the face of all pretensions to anything nobler. We’re animals. We stink. We eat. We copulate. We laugh.

On reflection, you might note that the church is sometimes willing to accommodate human fleshliness. For example, religious organizations often offer food to the homeless. So why do you think they’re not willing to offer satisfaction to other urges? If they feed the hungry, why not the horny too?

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