“Some of the world’s richest people are reportedly using their private submarines to indulge in deep-sea sex in front of panoramic marine vistas. But these aquatic trysts are sometimes interrupted by groups of voyeuristic dolphins, which excitedly tap on windows with their beaks. One of the world’s top designers of luxury subs, US Submarines president Bruce Jones, told Bloomberg that dolphins were a problem for the amorous owners of his multi-million dollar vessels. ‘Dolphins are easily excited when they sense people making love. They get jealous and bang their noses against the window,’ Mr Jones said. The best solution was to block the dolphins out with a set of curtains, he said. Another top designer, Herve Jaubert of Dubai-based Exomos, told Bloomberg his clients wrestled ‘with how to conduct a deep-sea love affair in front of an observation window without creating an underwater paparazzi’. Around 100 luxury submarines are believed to be submerged in the world’s oceans, but it is not known who owns the majority of these undersea palaces. Russian billionaire Chelsea Football Club owner Roman Abramovich has a submarine, as does Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen.” — National Nine News (Australia)

Is an animal, PervScan asked recently, incapable of perversion? An animal would seem to lack not just the consciousness necessary for a perverse decision, but the odd quality that can make consciousness turn around on itself. It is not surprising, then, that if any animal should be capable of a larval form of perversion, it should be the intelligent dolphin. You may know of John Lilly’s controversial efforts in the 1950s to establish “interspecies communication” with the dolphin. Evidently these efforts should not be considered a failure, because now it’s clear that dolphins don’t particularly want to communicate. They just want to watch.

This revelation of dolphin voyeurism appeared as a toss-off comment in an article about luxury submarines owned by the super-rich. That phenomenon is strange enough — imagine billionaires creeping around the ocean floors, probably looking for places to bury their hoards of gold. Evidently these submarines also make for the perfect pied-à-terre or fuck pad, since the owners can be sure no paparazzi wait outside to take embarrassing snapshots. In a great example of British humor, the Times spoke of the wealthy “sinking to new depths in the mile below club.”

Who knew there was a mile below club? As is the case with so many innovations, however, it’s the unexpected that springs a leak in the best laid plans. (Er, the best plans for getting laid.) You can well imagine why it would be hard to keep hard when dolphins are pounding on your portholes. Sure, in your head you know that you’ve spent a small fortune on your sub. Sure, it should be impervious to snooping dolphins. But what if they’re not interested in sex per se but in your penis? What if they think it’s food?

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