If you’ve ever seen a pig screw a human — and in the age of ubiquitous net-driven illicit porn, who hasn’t? — you’ll know that the male pig is famous for its corkscrew-shaped penis. If you didn’t know any better, you might assume that this corkscrew phallus is just nature’s own version of the ribbed condom. “Lucky sows,” you might think. But a comparative anatomist over at ScienceBlogs asks a very logical question: if a male pig has a corkscrew penis, does a female pig have a corkscrew cervix? The answer, it turns out, is yes. “The boar has a corkscrew penis and the sow has a corkscrew cervix. The two are a perfect fit. If you take the two organs preserved in formaldehyde (thus stiffened), you can actually screw the penis into the cervix (we did it in vet school way back when…).” If you don’t believe it, have a look at this schematic of the reproductive organs of the pig.

You probably never thought you would know so much about swine anatomy. But wait — there’s more. The anatomist wonders how the pigs manage, literally, to screw each other when neither appears to rotate. “We know that the penis does not make several rotations during copulation. We also know that the boar does not spin like a propeller around the sow’s hind end either. Thus, there is no way that the penis actually penetrates in a corkscrew fashion.” You have to pause on that a minute. How would the world be different if the male pig really did spin like a propeller when he attached himself to a sow? Think of all the fun you could have. In addition to cow tipping, you could go pig spinning. Or maybe some enterprising farmer could find a way to extract natural energy from little windmills made of copulating pigs. Need more energy? No problem, just mix some Viagra in with the slop you feed the pigs.

In addition to the propeller thing, the anatomist points out that screwing pigs also have to confront the issue of chirality. “What if the boar’s penis has a right-handed twist and the sow’s cervix has a left-handed thread?” Sounds painful, and evidently such a mismatch can cause infertility in snails. Why doesn’t it cause problems for pigs? The anatomist speculates that the pig’s corkscrew penis likely goes “straight in, crossing each of the cervical ridges one at a time until it assumes the position in which it completely fits inside the groove.” In other words, the corkscrew penis turns out to be just what you thought it was: nature’s own ribbed condom.

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