Accused of Having Sex with His Bike
“A man has been charged with having sex with his bike. Robert Stewart was allegedly caught in the act by two terrified cleaners who walked into his bedroom in a hostel. Stewart has denied the accusation, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink. The 51-year-old bachelor was charged with the bizarre sexual offence after he was disturbed by the cleaner and her colleague in a private hostel in Ayr. The charge alleges he conducted himself in a disorderly manner, simulated sex with a bicycle and continued to do so while naked from the waist down in the presence of two female employees. Stewart had been living in the Aberley House hostel from October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan, Ayrshire. He moved after a separate sex complaint to which he has pleaded not guilty at Ayr Sheriff Court… Asked about the claim he was simulating sex with the bike, he said: ‘You’ll need to ask the cleaners why they would say that. ‘It’s a lot of rubbish, a lot of rubbish.’ His solicitor Gerry Tierney said last night: ‘My client denies the allegations and intends to defend the charge vigorously.’” — Sunday Mail (UK)
Why, there’s nothing wrong with giving your bike a screw. Maybe the guy had some sort of fetish and could not prevent himself from experiencing uncontrollable arousal in the presence of a good Schwinn. He could hook a penis pump to his pedals and ride his way to pleasure. He could put one of those little bells on his handlebars and ring it when he ejaculates. Afterward, he could cuddle up in his bicycle basket and contemplate the deep questions underlying his perversion, like, If a bike fetishist masturbates, should he use a unicycle?
Anyway, it is difficult to see why he was arrested. Was it his own bike? Did the “two terrified cleaners” knock before they entered his room? Probably they surprised him in the buff and, drunk, he pretended to have sex with the nearest thing to hand, which was his bicycle. It is easy to imagine him laughing the enttire time. His little display of bike love was probably not an erotic act but a mocking one, comparable to the way a teen boy will pump an imaginary penis as a way of saying, in pantomime, “Hey, blow me.”
America is not alone in being DOOMED! Obey your God, stupid ass house niggas!
“Obey your God, stupid ass house niggas!”
Okay, now I know this is a joke and not really a Phelps.
1. How would one even go about having sex with a bike? This makes no sense to me.
2. What law does having sex with a bike fall under? I mean, it’s not even really sodomy. Would it be a sex toy law?
Hmm must of gotten a nice leather seat and some great looking paintwork on that bike………now we know why my cycalists wear such tight clothes, and short shorts.
Reverend X, state yo names, yo first and yo last names, your retort.
Whitey always told you…”a man can’t be God!”
Scott why you have to come and play the role of the devil, cause you competitive huh bitch.
Please, Please, PLEASE keep us updated on this one! The title alone just caused me to burst out laughing! Thank god I didn’t have a mouthful of Jack as I read it!
Mosy intriguing bit is that it was reported in the Mail??? You might not know this, ‘Vert, but that’s a very right wing, rather self filled rag. Now, if it had appeared in the Sunday ‘Sport’? It would have been just another of their crazy stories.
Maybe this sort of thing just strikes a chord with the english Conservatives to whom that paper panders? (Ye Must’ve heard about one of their MP’s who managed to kill himself while wearing stockings and sucking an orange?)
I don’t know what that dude’s problem is, but you could say he’s a schwinnger! LOL!
well now i know sex toys come in all different forms.
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