“Cambodian officials on Tuesday warned the public against home penis enlargement plans after a coroner found a man who had repeatedly self-injected his member with hair tonic had taken his own life to end the painful side effects. Coroner Vieng Vannarith concluded that a 35-year-old construction worker had hanged himself last week after the hair tonic remedy which advertised it gave thicker and more lustrous locks failed to have the same effect when injected into his penis. Authorities said the man had been self-injecting for some time, and the treatment had caused massive ulceration, leaving him in such permanent agony that he decided to end his ordeal by his own hand. Although the case was a suicide, details were released to the newspapers, with authorities saying they were concerned that such dangerous self-treatment with home remedies was not an isolated case and this should serve as a warning to other Cambodians not to try this at home. ‘He wanted a bigger one very badly, and the results were tragic,’ Vannarith said.” — Independent Online (South Africa)

Look, you hate to belittle anyone who has died. Certainly there are grieving family and friends somewhere, and they’ve had the bad fortune to have their grief mixed up with embarrassment at the guy’s motive for hanging himself. You don’t want to be insensitive to these people because, after all, karma is a boomerang and you never know when being a jerk will come back to haunt you.

But hair tonic? A guy was “self-injecting” hair tonic into his penis? Did he really consider this a logical thing to do? “Let’s see, rubbing this stuff on your hair makes it thicker. Maybe if I rub it on my penis, that will get thicker too… Hm, feels good, but my penis is the same size. I know! I’ll put the tonic on the inside. That will make my dick bloat up like a stomach after too many beers. Let’s see, where can I get a hypodermic needle?”

Only to a mind that is both desperate and ignorant can this seem like a logical thought process. After all, everybody knows that, if you really want a bigger dick, the thing to inject in it is not hair tonic but gasoline. This endows you with a burning monster cock that makes your woman all hot and bothered. Why, your shlong swells to the size of a fire hose. When you ejaculate, flames shoot out your penis and light up your woman’s eyes. It’s really something!

Or maybe you should just be happy with what you’ve got. If you’re really worried about your ability to pleasure your partner, you could always try your tongue. That’s never too small.

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