“Let’s start with the mystery presented in an Orange County courtroom last week: How did a 21-year-old man’s sperm land deep inside the vagina of an unconscious 73-year-old Vietnamese American grandmother? […] At about 3:25 a.m., Piceno saw a female walking alone through a strip-mall parking lot. The woman didn’t see him. She entered an enclosed Dumpster area. He decided this was his chance to satisfy himself… ‘I followed her in there, and I, uh, she turned around, and I punched her in the head and face maybe three or four times and knocked her out. I saw blood, and it scared me…’ The battered woman landed unconscious on the pavement amid smelly, overflowing garbage. Inches away, flies swarmed stale loaves of bread covered in a red sauce. Instead of fleeing or even calling an ambulance, Piceno did the unthinkable. He yanked off the woman’s shoes, pants and underwear. He got on his knees, spread her legs, digitally penetrated her vagina, pulled his own pants down and grabbed his penis. ‘I was masturbating, trying to get myself aroused,’ Piceno recalled. He blames the woman’s physical condition for thwarting his erection. But the mental hurdle wasn’t Huong’s age. It was the massive amount of blood he saw oozing from her head… But he said he is sure about one point: He ‘never’ inserted his penis. ‘I just didn’t do it,’ he said… ‘Why did you pull her pants off?’ Speiser asked. ‘Because I wanted to have sex with this lady,’ he said. ‘I tried to get hard, and I couldn’t. I just masturbated…’ ‘I couldn’t get it up,’ Piceno said. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking that night. It just happened. I didn’t plan it out.’ An incredulous Kaliban fired back, ‘If you couldn’t get erect, how did you come?’ ‘I don’t know what happened. All of a sudden, I just came. It just came out.’” — Orange County Weekly (US)

Here is a picture of the perp. This McDonald’s employee with the long sideburns and wiggy hair admitted to beating the old lady. He admitted to masturbating before her vagina as she lay bleeding on the ground. However, he would not admit to penetrating her with his penis, even though a DNA test revealed the presence of his semen inside the woman. For this reason, the young man and his lawyer invented torturous, implausible theories about how his semen might have travelled from his penis to the woman’s vagina. His lawyer floated the possibility that the young man held open but did not enter his victim’s vaginal lips as he ejaculated.

Only in the insane world of the courtroom could a technicality such as this make the least difference. This guy beat the shit out of some grandmother, pushed his fingers into her vagina, pleasured himself in a way that caused his sperm to enter her body — and lawyers are arguing about whether or not his penis penetrated her? About whether or not this was rape? Hell yes, it was rape. A guilty verdict indicated that this was apparent even to jurors in California, where popular consensus holds that O.J. got away with murder and M.J. with child abuse.

Past history does make you wonder, though, how jurors would have ruled if the perp had been a celebrity. If he were the star, say, of a reality show, would they find it plausible to think that an emergency-room nurse might have accidentally shoved the perp’s semen into the victim’s vagina with a swab? Or that little sperm fairies might have whisked his stuff into her vagina with their magic cum wands?

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