“A Brisbane woman stabbed a male friend twice in the shower after he refused to stop masturbating in front of her children. Defence lawyers for Kylie Louise Wilson, 28, said the mother of two ‘lost it’ when her friend of six years, Daniel Peter Blair, went on a masturbation marathon on April 6 last year. Brisbane’s District Court this morning heard Mr Blair had showed up at Wilson’s unit at Birkdale unit, in Redland Shire, where he took amphetamines before having a shower. Whilst in the bathroom, Mr Blair, 32, began pleasuring himself, before moving to Wilson’s bedroom, where he rolled around naked on her bed and continued his lewd conduct. He returned to the bathroom for more and was busted by Wilson, who was attempting to bath her three-and-a-half year-old daughter. The court heard Mr Blair refused her repeated requests to stop, prompting her to fetch a knife from the kitchen which she used to stab him twice in the left shoulder. Crown prosecutors said Mr Blair paused only to put on his shorts and flee outside to wait for police to arrive, but was again overcome by the urge. ‘Despite his injury, it seems (Mr Blair) continued to masturbate while in the garage,’ the prosecutor said. Police took him to hospital where he received treatment for the minor stab wounds.” — The Age (Australia)

While it goes without saying that Mr. Blair should not have been pleasuring himself in front of his friend’s children, probably most guys can relate to the fact that a mere stab wound would not put a stop to his speed-fueled wanking. After all, what is a bit of blood loss compared to the horrible frustrating feeling of blue balls? The hospital will take care of your bloody shoulder, but they won’t help you with the aggravation in your crotch. Might as well finish the job and take care of the laceration later, right?

To look at the matter from the opposite perspective, you can see that there is a lesson here for anyone who needs to manage a maniac masturbator. If you’re going to stab him, don’t go for the shoulder. Go for the hands. Then again, the masturbating madman just might use his own blood as a lubricant. Better amputate his hands at the wrists. Then again, that won’t stop him from giving himself a handjob with his feet or from rubbing against the frame of a door. If you absolutely must interrupt a man who is wanking with the insane imperturbability that a suicide bomber brings to his terror target, there is only one place to stab him. You know where that is, right? You have to attack the problem at its source.

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