“Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch. While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house’s living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity. No one saw the woman enter the house or knew how she got in. Nye said she could have entered through the front door, which was left propped open while it was being repaired. Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said. When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine, he said. The woman was talking on her cell phone at one point, said LSA sophomore Adam Bayard, a member of the fraternity. She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police, Nye said. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left. According to a police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs. ‘Obviously, she was very disturbed,’ Nye said. ‘It was not how a normal person would respond to people.’ The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University, according to the police report. Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said.” — Michigan Daily (US)

(Thanks to Furpo for the link.)

“It was not how a normal person would respond to people.” That’s an understatement. This is also not how normal frat boys would respond to a naked female masturbating on their couch. Don’t you think they’d be more likely to gang-fuck her than to call the cops? It’s hard to imagine what the other motivations for their unusually upright behavior could be. Was she hideously unattractive? Did the guy who called the police pay for the couches that she was staining with her love juices? Was he a smart enough frat boy that he realized the possibility of her calling the cops herself and claiming she was gang-fucked? Was this some kind of gay frat?

It is difficult not to think that the whole thing was a prank. Probably it was a hazing incident in which some newbie was obliged to call the police and make this outrageous claim. After all, the cops couldn’t locate the alleged perp. (How hard can it be if they really have a name, a university affiliation, perhaps even a cell phone record?) It would be enlightening to know if they performed any evidence collection on the couch. Then again, even if the police did gather a few baggies of evidence, it would hardly be damning. What frat-house couch is free of pubes and body fluids?

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