“Masturbating an elephant in the cause of science isn’t an easy job — just ask wildlife expert Dr Thomas Hildebrandt. Just touching a jumbo penis — they measure more than 1.5metres when aroused — can have painful consequences as German scientist Dr Hildebrandt reveals. He said: ‘One guy I know got a black eye from being hit by an elephant’s penis. When you touch an elephant there it starts to flick backwards and forwards and it’s so strong it can knock you off your feet. It’s such a strong movement….’ His mission is to help endangered species get into the mood for love and give them a hand — quite literally — to boost their dwindling populations. In the programme, he bids to help elephants Jackson and Christy — who lives in US zoos 1,200 miles apart — to produce a baby. It’s a messy business as he massages Jackson’s prostate gland to produce 300ml of semen per orgasm — the equivalent of a can of Coke – which has to be airlifted in giant condoms across America to Christy. Artificially inseminating an elephant is just as messy — while a catheter is inserted into the cervix, the hapless scientist faces being pooed on.” — The Sun (UK)

In the last few years, there has been a spate of cable programs featuring “dirty jobs.” The shows always feature animal inseminators, for the obvious reason that it’s freakish to jerk off horses or pigs or whatever. It seems pathological when people want to do this for sexual reasons, and it’s comical when they do it for financial reasons, i.e. to earn a living. And in the case of Dr. Hildebrandt, a world-renowned expert in elephant reproduction, there is even a third reason, a moral one. He wants to perpetuate potentially endangered species. “Man has created this annihilation of species,” he says, “it’s up to man to use his ingenuity to save them.” Evidently it is also up to man to use his wrist to save them.

This is nothing you probably haven’t heard before. The thing that really distinguishes this story — the thing that leaps out at you like a 1.5 meter penis — is that anecdote about the guy getting a black eye from an elephant erection (a pachydick?). Somehow it’s bad enough to imagine touching an elephant penis with your hand. To imagine the monster dong poking you in the eye transports you to a whole new level of biological horror. It puts your face directly in the way of a soda can worth of pachyderm sperm. If the erection can give you a black eye, what would the facial do? Drown you?

A more serious article about Dr. Hildebrandt includes a picture of him wearing protective gear. He’s covered in plastic, and he’s got a sort of tricked-out bike helmet on his head. It’s reassuring, but when you read about him preparing an insemination procedure by giving the elephant “a very messy enema involving wheelbarrows of dung,” the protective gear doesn’t seem quite sufficient. Most of us wouldn’t go near that elephant’s backside with a Hummer, let alone a skimpy set of plastic scrubs. It makes you wonder if there isn’t a more natural way to go about this. Perhaps a barrel of red wine, a cage with soft lighting and mood music?

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