“A former law student on Wednesday told the Pretoria High Court how he had bludgeoned his friend with a dumbbell before slicing off his private parts because of his unwelcome sexual advances… ‘I said leave me alone, I want to go, but he said I would not get away that easily. I ran, trying to find an exit, but he followed me with a knife in his hand. I saw a dumbbell against the wall and hit him with it. He fell and the knife dropped out of his hand. I ran to get a key, but when I returned he grabbed me and threw me onto the couch. He wanted to fall on me, but I ducked, so that he landed on the couch. Then I took the knife and cut through his private parts. I thought he would fall, but he stood up again and splattered me with blood. He did not want me to get the keys and grabbed me again, so I took the dumbbell again and hit him twice on the head,’ Mahlakoana said. He said Thomas managed to keep the door closed despite his injuries, but he later managed to tie Thomas to a door… Asked why he had hidden Thomas’ private parts, he said he was so scared that he just ‘threw around’ the private parts because he did not know what to tell police.” — Independent Online (South Africa)

At some point in their lives, most people have received an unwanted sexual advance — perhaps even from someone of the same gender, as in this story. Fortunately, the bulk of these awkward moments are resolved with a few words. “Put your mangy old cock back in your pants” is usually enough to let someone know where you stand. If not, a knee in the groin or a finger in the eye can be an effective follow-up.

Imagine, then, how utterly insane it must be for things to spiral out of control in the way described in this story. Two friends meet at a house. One guy thinks he’s just hanging out. The other guy takes “hanging out” a bit too literally and pulls out his wee-wee. BAM! Suddenly these two friends are assaulting each other with dumbbells and knives, and one guy ends up with his John Henry just “thrown around.” Jesus fuck! The whole nightmare probably took no more than ten minutes to unfold, but so much happens — dumbbells bludgeoning, knife castrating, dumbbells bludgeoning, victim being tied to the door — that you can’t even process it all. If you were going to make a film of it, you’d do this scene in slow motion, draw it out so that your brain can process the events. But then the audio would be in slow motion too and everything would sound like those recordings of whales underwater.

What can you say? Violent crimes happen all the time. People get shot, stabbed — but however awful these may be, they seem to happen in an instant. The bullet pierces, the knife stabs, then it’s over, somebody please call an ambulance. In this story, though, things just seemed to carry on, stumble from pain to horror to trauma. If this was a film, it would have been made by amateurs, people who didn’t know their craft well enough to execute a clean wound.

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