“What happens in a dispute with a prostitute, a tractor and an Ashburton mum? A three-way stoush and a day in court. The dispute started when farmhand Christopher Malcolm Duane Muir used the services of an Ashburton prostitute… A dispute broke out over whether he paid for the service. The prostitute and three female friends, including Ashburton mother Jacinta Kathleen Borrie, visited Muir on a farm to recover the money. When he could not pay, his car windows were smashed and a door dented with a bat. Muir then drove his tractor, which had a bucket like a front-end loader, at the car containing the women. The bucket’s lower edge hit the car’s windscreen, shattering glass on Borrie, the front-seat passenger. The car was driven away and Muir tried to stop it, striking the rear passenger door. Borrie, 40, appeared in Ashburton District Court yesterday and pleaded guilty to intentionally damaging a Nissan Skyline car owned by Muir. Muir, 25, of Temuka, will appear for sentence in Timaru on February 22. The farnhand pleaded guilty to dangerous driving of a tractor, five counts of unlawful taking, three of burglary, and incurring debt by deception. Borrie, who faces just one charge, will reappear for sentence in Ashburton on January 29.” — The Dominion Post (New Zealand)

Perversity shmerversity. Sometimes you have to stop and just enjoy the ride. It’s not often that you see a news story with such incredible narrative thrust. It begins with prostitution and invokes all those old jokes like, “How do you make a hooker moan? Don’t pay her!” Then it ends up sounding like an impromptu Monster Truck event. You imagine the guy doing things to the girls with his tractor that he only wishes he could have done with his penis. At least nobody got seriously hurt.

The story doesn’t give much background on the original incident. Mr. Muir pled guilty to “incurring debt by deception,” so evidently he really did short-change the prostitute (who is not named). Interestingly, the plea acknowledges her official right to payment for services rendered. This must be because prostitution is legal in New Zealand. However, there’s always the possibility that Mr. Muir withheld payment because she did not perform as advertised. Maybe she was a frigid lay or refused to fulfill some sexual quirk of his. Maybe he wanted to put his front-end loader in her back-end and she refused. Somewhere Freud links money and anality, so it would only be appropriate if, unable to give her the stiff one, he stiffed her on the bill instead.

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