“When considering a sex partner, do you think about what operating system they’re using? Are you like me and have never knowingly had sex with a Windows user? [...] Yes, Macs are stylish. Yes, their multimedia capabilities mean that porn looks great and is easy to watch and create. And yes, if you think about sex in terms of Tiger vs. Windows you want the system that says ‘grrr’ and not the one that, having just crashed, kneels at the foot of the bed and promises: ‘Baby, next time it’ll be good. I promise. We don’t need to use virus protection — I got that all fixed, baby. Really, it won’t be like last time. …’ [...] it’s time for some serious iSync. When it’s a Mac-on-Mac equation, you never need to explain that your idea of foreplay is five minutes in the iTunes store — downloading some hot erotic podcasts, of course. Start by examining each other’s features. Make sure all your ports are compatible, and remember there’s a connection kit for every desire: uploading, downloading or power issues. Don’t worry about memory: It’s all in the past, baby — size up the hard drive and pass the lube. Is it a Duo? Bonus. Things to know: Keep an eye on wayward earbud cords during oral sex to avoid choking. MacBook power cables make for unsafe whips: Try spanking him or her with an iPod AV cable, instead. Doggy style is great for the two of you to watch that iSight iPhoto slide show you just made, but missionary position with a MacBook Pro 17-inch may result in broken teeth. Mac Minis can hold a bottle of lube, one sex toy and a few condoms — more than that is asking for a system crash. The Belkin Clamp-On Surge Protector is for experienced players only. And the newly announced iPhone, contrary to rumors and initial reports, is not anal safe.” — SF Gate (US)

This article, written by Violet Blue in the wake of the recent MacWorld, is hysterical — or at least it is to Mac heads. (Disclaimer: PervScan and Supervert’s other sites — in fact, all of Supervert’s endeavors — are produced on Apple computers.) According to the site’s stats, about 85% of you visit PervScan using a Windows-based computer, so maybe you won’t understand. Or maybe you have a fond and loving relationship with an iPod, so you’ll have an inkling what it’s like to suffer from an Apple fetish. That’s what it’s really all about — a fetish.

How is it that Apple’s products inspire such gear lust? The hysteria about the new iPhone is an online version of the panting, crying, and hair-pulling you see in footage of the female audiences at the Beatles’ first performances in America. It makes you wonder how an appliance or a machine can tap into that. Does sleek design do for consumerism what the sight of a wet t-shirt does for the libido? Evidently so. Look at the orgiastic slobbering some people do over fancy cars.

A few years ago Supervert posted a survey that attempts to discover to what extent computer technology has changed or shaped people’s sex lives. Some of it’s obvious. For example, it used to be difficult to buy weird porn like bestiality, but now the internet has practically made weird porn the norm. A few other questions on the survey were meant as jokes, like the one about whether you’ve ever engaged in sexual activity with a mouse or joystick. But you know what? When you see the extent to which seemingly “normal” people can lust after Apple’s gear, those questions don’t seem like mere pleasantries anymore. There’s already been porn featuring girls posing with iPods. Can it be long before they frolic with other Apple devices? Or before the girls are out of the pictures altogether, leaving the titillating spectacle of porn that shows nothing but computer equipment?

P.S. Over at 10ZenMonkeys.com, Lou Cabron has posted the 5 Sexiest Apple Videos. They include a faux-hip-hop tune about how the Mac enables a guy to get it on with girls via iChat and a stunning parody of the famous iPod commercials in which silhouetted breakdancing is replaced with silhouetted sex and perversion.

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