Student Ejaculates in Cafeteria Salad Dressing
“A [Somewhere] High School student is expected to surrender to police Monday on charges that he doctored a bottle of salad dressing in the school cafeteria with his own semen in a practical joke that met with disgust. An arrest warrant has been issued for [Silly Teen], 17, of unincorporated DuPage County near Wheaton, for attempted aggravated battery and disorderly conduct… [Silly Teen] allegedly took a bottle of ranch salad dressing from the juniors’ and seniors’ cafeteria on Dec. 6, went into a restroom, ejaculated into the bottle and returned it to the condiment cart, police said. School officials were told about the incident Tuesday after students who had heard about it came forward… [Silly Teen], a senior at the west suburban school, has been ‘appropriately disciplined,’ district officials said… The contaminated salad dressing could have been used during the final lunch period Dec. 6 and during all five lunch periods on Dec. 7 before all of the dressing containers were routinely sanitized and refilled, according to a statement from [Somewhere] School District 200. Supt. [Somebody] said officials have no way of knowing for certain how many children consumed it. Besides feeling disgusted, some in the school community were left wondering about possible health effects.” — Sun Times (US)
Though the offender is being charged as an adult and his name is being published by newspapers, PervScan is referring to him simply as Silly Teen. After all, that’s what he is. And hopefully obscuring his name will reduce the number of underage schoolmates arriving here from Google. PervScan is for adult readers only.
This is the kind of tasteless prank that probably happens more often than you want to know. Another article mentions that the film Jackass: Number Two inspired the idea in Silly Teen. You think he was the only one to fall under the pernicious influence of a semen-obsessed popular culture? Probably not. There’s cum in the blue cheese, piss in the vinegar, and caca in the bacon bits — and that’s just the salad bar. You don’t even want to know what hideous things a teen male will think to do to a jelly donut.
The irony, of course, is that the idiotic stunts that can make the producers of Jackass gobs of cash are likely to cause untold troubles to the monkey-see-monkey-do dolts who reproduce them in real life. The school said Silly Teen had been “appropriately disciplined,” and meanwhile he’s facing serious legal charges. The dumb kid will probably end up trading a page on MySpace for an entry on the state sex offender registry. And just imagine the countless hours of therapy he’s going to have to sit through. “Now tell me, Silly Teen,” the shrink will say, “for how long have you had these feelings of sexual excitement in the presence of ranch dressing?”
“Though the offender is being charged as an adult and his name is being published by newspapers, PervScan is referring to him simply as Silly Teen. After all, that’s what he is. And hopefully obscuring his name will reduce the number of underage schoolmates arriving here from Google. PervScan is for adult readers only.”
Supervert, you are a fine citizen of the Internet community. Thank you!
Nasty, nasty! At least he didn’t bring a gun to school…uh let me rephrase that, at least didn’t shoot anyone with his “gun.”
Mashed potatoes! gravy! green beans! Somebody help me!
I know a guy who pissed in a Powerade bottle and put it back on the shelf for sale. He got caught too, but just thought I’d add weight to your comment that “this is the kind of tasteless prank that probably happens more often than you want to know.”
the prank is not tasteless but actually a little salty…
Sven, it probably improved the taste.
as a teen i worked for mcdonalds and the amount of times “extra’special sauce was added to special order burgers even suprised me thats why i don’t order grills from mcdonalds.
Like we all needed one more reason not to eat at McD’s.
Oh my, and people wonder why I don’t care to eat out! Wait, maybe I should rephrase that…
Happy New Year, one and all!!!
Great site here…one of my faves! Second only to the “official phone sex operator of Perv Scan”, the lovely and lovable, Miss Angela StLawrence!!!
listen guys stuff like this happens all the time. I have worked in the restaurant industry for 16 years, from being on the grill at MCd’s to being a chef at a fine dinning restaurant. when I was 18 i worked at rallys i saw the assistant manager take a patty into the restroom an proceed to clean the scum underneath the rim of the toilet seat with it and then put it on a burger. i have seen people piss in taco meat, stick the tips of asparagus up their ass and serve it. just a tip-be nice to people who handle your food even if they are an asshole, if you have a complaint think very carefully about how you word your comment before you say it. if you are the asshole that comes in 5 minutes before closing, or has no idea how to order a steak, or demand fresh coffee chances are you have eaten someones boogers or perhaps something worse.It happens everywhere.
Well, that certainly gives me pause for thought.
This reminds me of that scene someone described to us from “Animal House”, at one of my jobs. He was describing the scene with the twinkies (I didn’t see the movie, but for those who have, I am sure you guys know what I am talking about). I know what the teen in the article did was gross, but for one reason or another, I laughed out loud a few times, to myself.
Thats certainly a nice thought, ejaculate in food? and even worse, urine. Heck, the semen though probably made it taste better (not).
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