“A Zimbabwean man charged with having sex with an underage girl stunned a court by claiming she had in fact slept with goblins. John Munkombwe, 29, is accused of having sex with the 16-year-old girl and impregnating her. The age of consent in Zimbabwe is 18 years. Appearing before Binga magistrate Stephen Ndlovu last week, Munkombwe denied statutory rape and suggested her pregnancy was probably the act of goblins… Prosecutor, Bruce Maphosa, told the court that Munkombwe met the teenager sometime in August last year and they got into a relationship, Umthunywa reported. The girl, who cannot be named, appeared in the courtroom and gave her account. She said she had sex with Munkombwe on three occasions before she fell pregnant. But when he took the witness stand, Munkombwe denied having a relationship or sleeping with the girl. He told the court: ‘I have been tried before in the chief’s court but I have maintained my innocence, and I still deny the charges. I have heard it said that she was impregnated by goblins, I certainly don’t know her.’” — New Zimbabwe (Zimbabwe)

It is quite common for sex-offense cases to pit one person’s word against another: she says she was raped, he says he didn’t do it, she says he did, he says she agreed, etc., etc. In this particular case, the victim is maintaining the usual line of dialogue: she was seduced and impregnated by an older man, she claims. And what does the man reply? Something to this effect: word is, the bitch got owned by goblins.

To Western ears, it’s an astonishing statement. It’s so absurd that it practically reads as a Surrealist joke, less an individual defense than a knowing deconstruction of the fact that being on the witness stand encourages people to tell plausible lies. “If we’re going to pretend,” it seems to say, “then let’s go all the way. Why tell little lies, such as that she consented, when you can tell big ones, such as that she got banged by lusted-up pixies?”

But when you educate your Western ears with a bit of background about Zimbabwe, you realize that it’s no joke at all. Zimbabwe is a country whose government legally “acknowledges that supernatural powers exist.” Earlier this year a businesswoman was scammed in a “cash for mermaids” con. Against this background, is it so far-fetched to think that goblins might be raping the local hotties? Perhaps not. However, it does leave you wondering about some of the practical details. Do goblins have little penises, like young boys? When they ejaculate, is their semen green? Would it taste like Lucky Charms cereal?

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