“A police encounter with a naked man near the El Cerrito BART station turned into an arrest on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon Thursday. Passers-by called officers about 7:50 a.m. to report that a naked man was lying on a tree stump beside the Ohlone Greenway path, exposing himself and masturbating. Police saw 33-year-old John Sheehan and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure. Officers led him to the nearest street, the 2000 block of Kearney Avenue. Before putting Sheehan in the back of his car, Sgt. Paul Keith asked him if he had anything on him that police should know about. Sheehan replied that he had hidden a screwdriver in his anal cavity, Horgan said. Unsure about what to do, police called for a fire engine. Firefighters quickly decided that an emergency room would be better equipped to deal with the situation. Sheehan interceded before an ambulance was called. ‘When he heard what they were talking about, he said, ‘Hey, don’t worry about it. I can do it,” said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan. Mindful that a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape could be used as a weapon, officers kept their weapons trained on the 33-year-old. Sheehan went quietly afterward, without explanation.” — Contra-Costa Times (US)

(Thanks to Cat for the link.)

He “went quietly afterward, without explanation.” Well, it’s not so hard to explain. When a naked guy is jerking off with a screwdriver or an awl (reports differed on the exact tool) up his butt, odds are that it’s not really a concealed weapon. More likely it’s a device intended to pressure the old prostate and intensify orgasm. This is especially true if the tool was wrapped in electrical tape. Probably Mr. Sheehan, who had just been released from prison, suffered from some rectal stretching and needed the extra girth on the tool in order to attain that special stimulation.

To be fair, you can’t blame police for exercising caution. Convicts do resort to such tricks as hiding something in their ass to use as a weapon. And if he admitted to a screwdriver, how could cops know it wasn’t a knife or gun? That being said, their real motivation for calling the fire department was probably malicious glee. You know how those interdepartmental rivalries are. The cops were probably laughing themselves silly at dumping this in the laps of the Men in Red. No doubt they were hoping to get the bomb squad involved too. (You just never know what some nutcases will put up their ass. It’s probably the next step in the evolution of terrorism: Molotov buttholes.)

As it turned out, Mr. Sheehan volunteered to perform the extraction himself. (You wonder why they didn’t just ask him to do it before calling in the fire department. What if there was a fire somewhere and the firemen were just standing around laughing at this guy’s ass?) While Mr. Sheehan disarmed himself, officers trained their weapons on him. If you think this was an unwarranted show of force, just imagine the fear that the poor policemen must have felt. Would you want an exhibitionistic ex-con rushing you with a shit-covered screwdriver?

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