“Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. On Wednesday night, doctors brought Mohammad’s misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object. ‘Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else,’ Mohammad, a grey-beared man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern central city of Multan. ‘We had to take it out intact,’ said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. ‘Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation.’ Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn’t know the bulb was there. ‘When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this,’ Mohammad said. ‘I don’t know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners.’ The doctor treating Mohammad said he’d never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon’s story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.” — Yahoo (US)

To wake up with a light bulb in your ass is the sort of hideous random event that would leave you having gut-wrenching nightmares for the rest of your life. After all, if you live in a world where light bulbs can mysteriously insert themselves into your most private parts, who knows what else could happen? What if a rhinoceros attempts to charge into your urethra?

But that’s to take the story at face value. Mr. Mohammad claims to have been surprised to find a light in his ass. There’s only one way that’s true: if Mr. Mohammad is continuing to manufacture alcohol in prison, then perhaps he slept through the insertion. Otherwise there are only two reasonable explanations: either he put it in there or somebody else did. Now, if somebody else put a bulb in his butt, he would surely have woken up — unless his butt was already so stretched out from, uh, other prison hijinks. And if he’d woken up, he would have defended himself — unless he liked it.

Somehow that all seems less likely than the possibility that he was just jerking off and wanted some prostate stimulation. He noticed the similarity in size and shape between the light bulb and a butt plug, and in the frenzy of passion ignored the dangers of inserting glass into his ass. He pleasured himself and then either fell asleep or lost the bulb somewhere up there. Waking up, he noticed some discomfort and headed off to the prison infirmery. Sounds plausible, no?

Of course, there does remain another possibility. Perhaps Mr. Mohammad is tormented by some sort of electricity fetish. Perhaps he took out the light bulb, inserted his penis into the empty socket, and then put the bulb in his ass in a crazy effort to form some hybrid figure that’s part circuit and part daisy chain. Maybe he even managed to plug it all in somehow, so that for a brief moment his asshole could shine like a beacon in the night. Then he could orgasm and it would all go dark again.

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