“Ways to prevent a duppy from molesting you: If you point at a grave you have to bite your 10 fingers or they will rot. Coming home late at night? Turn around three times at the gate so that the duppy will not follow you in. Duppies do not like light, so leave a light in the bedroom of the ‘dead yard’. Duppies cannot count, so you leave 10 coffee beans at the entrance of the room. Duppies do not like salt or water, so leave a bowl of water at the entrance and food cooked with salt. White rum is sprayed by mouth into grave and sometimes used to wash the gravedigger’s face. Paint your house a different colour… Ways a woman can protect herself against her companion’s duppy ‘mingling’ with her: A woman would cut a small amount of pubic hair and place in her companion’s hand or pocket. Furniture in the bedroom is rearranged. Changing the position of the bed and turning over the mattress. Putting an inch (tape) measure on his side of the bed. Tying the inch measure around her waist or hanging it on the door or dresser mirror as a means of protection. Placing his belt on his side of the bed. Placing a torn white handkerchief in his hand and repeating the words ‘This is your pay; you are not to come back.’ She can wear either black or red bloomers with elastic in the legs.” — Jamaica Gleaner (Jamaica)

“Duppy” is basically the Jamaican word for ghost. If you believe in such things, then certainly it can be helpful to have a list of ways to prevent a duppy from molesting you. For example, if you leave 10 coffee beans at the entrance to your room, apparently the duppy feels so obliged to count them — and he’s so incapable of doing it — that he abandons his cunt hunt while fumbling with the beans. Evidently it’s the supernatural equivalent of taking a cold shower. Math douses desire.

You can’t help but wonder, though, why ghosts are always so hot and horny for human cooze. Once they enter the spirit world, are they possessed of enormous lusts for the people they’ve left behind? Or do they simply lose their inhibitions when they die, so that the raping they do is really something that they had wanted to do every day of their earthly life anyway? It would really be stunning if it were the latter case, because it would mean that death is not nothingness or annihilation of consciousness but rather radical freedom.

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