“Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them — his penis. Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers… Police arrived on Fik’s block at 8:20 a.m. Wednesday after receiving reports he was smashing car windows, Dolan said. Fik then broke into a house down the block. A group of six or seven officers assembled in front of the house… Fik threw his penis during the confrontation, too, Dolan said. He then went back into the house and re-emerged with ‘another handful of knives,’ Dolan said. Dolan sneaked to the side of the bungalow’s front steps and stunned Fik with the Taser. Fik fought back when officers went to restrain him, Dolan said. ‘About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis,’ Dolan said.” — Chicago Sun-Times (US)

Remember that King Missile song, “Detachable Penis?” No doubt that would be the proper soundtrack to this tale of automutilation and aggravated assault. Fortunately for Mr. Fik, doctors were optimistic about reattaching the severed organ. Hopefully no dirt or junk from the sidewalk stuck to it. Imagine having your penis reattached, only to find out that a cigarette butt or a wad of bubblegum got stuck inside. You’d go to the bathroom for the first time and you’d blow bubbles when you pee.

Anyway, apparently Mr. Fik was upset because of “problems with his girlfriend in Poland.” If you ever wanted any further proof that the ups and downs of love can cause intense derangement, you only need to contemplate this thought process: (a) I’m mad at my girlfriend; (b) I’ll show her: I’ll cut off my penis; (c) I’ll really show her: I’ll smash some windows too; (c) and this will get her goat: I’ll throw my penis at those cops over there. Hah! Take that, bitch…

It’s as though he thought of his penis as a voodoo doll representing his girlfriend, and thus by mutilating it he could hurt her too. That’s insane, no? Do you think that, when she learned of the whole weird episode, she felt guilty? Hurt? Upset? Or did she just laugh contemptuously to herself? “Serves him right, jerk…”

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