“The menu at Beijing’s latest venue for its growing army of gourmets is eye-watering rather than mouth-watering. China’s cuisine is renowned for being ‘in your face’ — from the skinned dogs displayed at food markets to the kebabbed scorpions sold on street stalls — and there is no polite way of describing Guo-li-zhuang. Situated in an elegantly restored house beside Beijing’s West Lake, it is China’s first speciality penis restaurant… Some dishes appear unexceptional, such as the simple goat penis, sliced, dipped in flour, fried, and served skewered with soy sauce. But Guolizhuang also has its showpieces, such as the elegantly named ‘Head crowned with a Jade Bracelet’ (provided by horses from the western Muslim region of Xin-jiang), for £20 a portion, or ‘Dragon in the Flame of Desire’ (yak, steamed whole, fried and flambéed) for £35. For beginners, Miss Zhu recommended the hotpot, which offers a sampling of what the restaurant has to offer — six types of penis, and four of testicle, boiled in chicken stock by the waitress, Liu Yunyang, 22. The Russian dog was first. It was julienned, and rather gamey. The ox was, of all six, the most recognisable for what it was, even though it had been diced. In texture seemed identical to gristle. The deer and the Mongolian goat were surprisingly similar: a little stringy, they had the appearance and feel of overcooked squid tentacles. The Xinjiang horse and the donkey, on the other hand, were quite different. Though both came sliced lengthwise, and looked like bacon, the horse was light and fatty, while the donkey had a firm colour and taste. The testicles were slightly crumbly, and tasted better with lashings of the sesame, soy and chilli dips thoughtfully provided.” — Telegraph (UK)

Here is a picture of a dog’s penis garnished with a plum. Here is a picture of another dish that combines the male organs of an ox and a snake. The latter sounds like some really twisted version of one of Aesop’s fables. Like, even though the ox had a big penis, the snake’s little number would end up being more potent somehow, in the same manner as the slow tortoise ends up beating the fleet hare in a race.

Anyway, if you were tempted by the thought of eating a penis — like this guy and that guy — then you’d be smart to put a damper on the homicidal cannibal impulses and take a trip to China, where you can sample a dozen different animal cocks. Of course, the writer and taste-tester in the news story doesn’t exactly make the penises sound tempting. Look at the way the penises are described: gamey, crumbly, gristly, “overcooked squid tentacles.” Sure makes your mouth water, doesn’t it?

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