“A pantless man led Granite City police on a chase Sunday afternoon that hit speeds of nearly 100 mph, authorities said Monday. Arrested after the chase was Matthew Cooper, 26, of the 4000 block of Central Lane, Pontoon Beach. On Monday, Madison County prosecutors charged him with a felony, aggravated fleeing or attempting to elude a police officer, as well as misdemeanor counts of resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He was being held at the Granite City police station, with bond set at $25,000. The incident began at 1 p.m. Sunday when Granite City police got a slew of calls that a man who was naked from the waist down was lying face-down in a pickup with the door open near the corner of East 21st Street and Edwardsville Road, said police Maj. Jeff Connor. When officers approached, the pickup sped off. The chase began at low speeds but hit nearly 100 mph when the pickup drove on Illinois Route 3, Connor said. When the pickup approached the closed McKinley Bridge, the driver tried to drive around a barricade, hit a squad car, went off on a dirt road and got stuck in mud, police said. The pickup driver refused to get out of the truck, and officers used a Taser to subdue him, Connor said.” — St Louis Today (US)

Granite City is a mill town outside St Louis, a decent-looking place where a naked guy humping his fist in the front of a pickup truck is not going to go unnoticed — especially when he leaves the door open. And while many people have probably succumbed to urgent sexual needs in the front seat of a car, you really have to wonder about a guy who invites such trouble. Sunday afternoon? Broad daylight? In front of people straggling home from church luncheons? That’s when you choose to screw the cup holder in your truck?

It’s difficult to get the internet to cough up any additional information about Mr. Cooper, since his name is so common. However, judging from the facts of the case alone, you can guess that good sense is not his strong suit. Even if he got a little thrill by courting danger with his public masturbation, it’s downright idiotic to transform a misdemeanor into a felony by leading cops on a high-speed chase. To get caught with your pants down is not really such a big deal, from the legal point of view. But to get caught with your pants down after wrecking two cop cars and endangering half the town with your antics is sure to get you some serious jail time. And all for what? An afternoon wank?

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