“Acquitting a Germantown man who exposed his buttocks during an argument with a neighbor, a Montgomery County Circuit Court judge ruled yesterday that mooning, while distasteful, is not illegal in Maryland. ‘If exposure of half of the buttock constituted indecent exposure, any woman wearing a thong at the beach at Ocean City would be guilty,’ Judge John W. Debelius III said after the bench trial, reversing the ruling of a District Court judge. Debelius made clear his disdain for the defendant, calling the alleged act ‘disgusting’ and ‘demeaning…’ The case arose from a June 7 argument between the defendant, Raymond Hugh McNealy, 44, and a neighbor, Nanette Vonfeldt. Vonfeldt pressed charges against McNealy after he allegedly yelled and, according to Vonfeldt, threatened to ‘blow up my building’ as she and her 8-year-old daughter walked out of their apartment, in the 20200 block of Shipley Terrace in Germantown. ‘Then, for whatever reason, in full view of my daughter, he mooned us,’ Vonfeldt wrote in a court document… Defense attorneys cited a 1983 case of a woman who was arrested after protesting in front of the U.S. Supreme Court wearing nothing but a cardboard sign that covered the front of her body. The D.C. Court of Appeals ruled in 1986 that indecent exposure is limited to a person’s genitals.” — Washington Post (US)

You wouldn’t think that mooning could be a source of much controversy in a world that includes wars, plagues, and famines. But if you search around for a few minutes, it doesn’t take long to discover that the exposure of an ass has the ability to rumple lots of feathers. There’s the football player Randy Moss, who upset fans by mooning an entire stadium. Ozzy Osbourne recently claimed that he was just a few beers away from mooning the queen one time. Actor Brad Pitt is worried that the time he got arrested for mooning may make it difficult for him to adopt Angelina Jolie’s children. Righteous citizens still phone police at the site of a bare ass: “Someone called police to report that a passenger in a red Jeep was mooning traffic as the car went down Sheridan Drive.” And an executive of the popular juice company Naked Juice recently quit her job, charging that her bosses asked her to take pictures of them mooning.

What a crazy world! It would be tempting to say, in parody of Gertrude Stein, that an ass is an ass is an ass is an ass. Everybody has one. Why’s it so shocking and now legally “disgusting” to see? Is it because the ass is the body part of our own that we see the least of? If the ass were on the tops of our feet where we could see it more often, maybe we’d get used to it. And we’d get accustomed to seeing other peoples’ asses too, since plenty of folks wear open-toed shoes. We’d moon each other just walking down the street.

Actually, it’s not such a bad idea to have an ass on the top of your feet. Farts would be further away from the olfactory organ most likely to be disgusted by their smell. And it would be less disgusting to use public bathrooms. You wouldn’t have to sit on some disgusting toilet seat, you could just hold your foot over the potty and let rip. On the other hand, you’d end up getting lint from your socks in your ass. And buying new shoes would become even trickier than it already is, since you don’t want to get blisters on your anus.

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