For every single story featured here, PervScan probably sifts through another forty or fifty — weighing, contemplating, reacting, rejecting. These rejects form a perverse undertow, a strong but subterranean current of weirdness that can sometimes numb the brain with its sameness — sex crime, sex crime, sex crime. And then at other times an odd juxtaposition will arise from the undertow, like a starfish and a Pepsi can tossed onto a beach. Such is the case of the giraffe and the panty collector.

Lovesick Giraffe Tries to Have Sex With A Tree blares the headline of the giraffe story. “Keepers of a small menagerie at a Mexican park are looking for a mate for a lovesick giraffe after the 15-foot-tall beast tried to make love to a tree and a garden shed… ‘He’s driving us crazy,’ Juan Aragones told Reuters in a telephone interview. ‘He’s mounted a tree, a fence and even a shed.’ Aragones said Central Park had begun contacting animal dealers in Mexico to find a mate for Modesto, who was born in captivity and has lived alone at the recreational park for three years. He has never had a sexual partner.”

“Never had a sexual partner” — gosh, you can almost feel lonely yourself as you read the story and imagine the plight of the poor beast. It’s so starved for affection that it tries to satisfy itself with buildings. (Who knew it was so difficult for a giraffe to jerk off?) There’s some sort of deep existential isolation in the image of a beast who’s never even met another of its own kind. Sex aside, this animal doesn’t even know what another giraffe looks like.

So you get this lonely image in your head as you continue on with your daily perversion scan, and then you stumble on the tale of the panty collector. Kim Blames Upbringing for Criminal Obsessions blares this headline. As he was being sentenced to fifty months in prison for breaking into college dorms to steal girls’ panties, Sung Koo Kim read a statement attributing his fetish to his upbringing. “Kim said he never stalked anyone or posed a threat to the community. He simply had a fetish for women’s undergarments, he said. He blamed it on the isolation he experienced growing up as a member of the insular Jehovah’s Witness faith. ‘I was a Jehovah’s Witness all my life, and tried to live a perfect life, according to the Bible and the doctrines of the Jehovah’s Witnesses,’ he said. ‘I never committed fornication and kept away from all worldly sins. I lived all my life in isolation, in a lonely religious prison, deprived of friends, love, intimacy and happiness.’”

“Lived all my life in isolation” — no doubt the giraffe would identify with this lament. If you were a wag, you’d be tempted to say that the two should have hooked up. But then the guy still might have been arrested for that. Zoos probably don’t appreciate guys breaking in to fornicate with their giraffes.

If you wanted to take a less sarcastic look at the two stories, you might be tempted to wonder to what extent ostensibly perverse behavior is driven simply by loneliness. Other animals would probably look askance at a giraffe humping a garden shed, and yet really that giraffe was not practicing a perversion so much as venting a frustration. You get the sense that it might have been the same with Mr. Kim — that his fetish might have been less a perversion than a desperately distorted expression of completely normal desires. In a figurative sense, he was just humping a garden shed too.

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