“First we cloned Dolly, now Willy. A cast kit with the name Clone-a-Willy is available on the Internet for a competition that promises to rock women’s worlds and give the winner a head start. According to the British tabloid Sun newspaper, ‘the hunt is on for the fella with the perfect manhood — to model for a new sex aid. Blokes who reckon they measure up will have to take a cast of their pride and joy at home, then send it to bosses at the sex shop chain Hustler Hollywood to be judged.’ The winning entry, writes the paper, will be ‘the model for a series of battery-powered rubber replicas that may find their way into thousands of women’s bedrooms.’” —The Star (South Africa)

(Thanks to alanr for the link.)

The rock band KISS has this song Plaster Caster. The lyrics run along like this: “The plaster’s gettin’ harder and my love is perfection / A token of my love for her collection, her collection…” The lyrics don’t make much sense to the average ten-year-old, or at least until he learns that the song was inspired by Cynthia Plaster Caster, the most famous groupie of the 1960s and 1970s. Ms. Plaster Caster used to go around making plaster casts of rock stars’ penises. Apparently the largest belonged to Jimi Hendrix — which is the sort of historical factoid that you enjoy knowing but you’re not quite sure what to do with it. Does having the biggest penis in rock-and-roll mean anything?

Anyway, Ms. Plaster Caster set the precedent for immortalizing members, and now a British sex-toy business is bringing that same technology down to the masses. Just as you can play air guitar, you can now — using the Clone-a-Willy — pretend that imaginary groupies want to clone your cock for posterity. This do-it-yourself kit enables you to take a mold of your manhood and then, if you think you measure up, you can actually submit it to a contest in which the lucky winner will have a dildo modeled after his “private” parts.

Of course, when you give the matter some thought, you realize that this contest is really the least significant part about the Clone-a-Willy. Just consider the horizons that it really opens up! For example, can it be long before some bad-boy celebrity uses such a kit to market reproductions of his penis? After all, Ms. Plaster Caster is certainly not the only person who might cherish a mold of Johnny Depp’s you-know-what. Or, to take the idea in another direction, consider a business built around personalized sex toys. Do you really love your man or, if not him, his manhood? Get a cast to keep you company when he’s away or perhaps even dead.

Maybe that, in fact, is the latent meaning of having the biggest penis in rock-and-roll: just like your music, it can still give enormous pleasure after you’re gone.

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