“I love my laptop computer… However I do not own a webcam. In fact, I refuse to get one. And the reason for this refusal is quite simple. I don’t want to play the video sex game! No, I am not a prude. Yes, I do like a little spice and adventure, but over the past couple of weeks, I’ve just noted the number of men who automatically expect that I have a webcam, want me to turn it on, and want to take it from there — a little private viewing session. Is there anyone else out there wondering if the video sex game just might be removing us even further from real, human contact? Webcams are great communication tools to stay in touch with relatives, friends, and loved ones who live outside of your city… But watching a man get off at 3AM on his webcam because he’s horny and would like to share the experience with you? Granted, there’s nothing like a great aroused penis at 3AM, especially when I’m ready to go, but can I have a little foreplay to go with that as well? Yes, I’ve done the phone sex, instant messenger sex, even made a somewhat pornographic home video, but all of these were done with me as an active participant, and more importantly with someone that I was either having or had an ongoing relationship of some sort… I find that the video sex game is just an easy way out. If this man is willing to show me his erect penis, and get himself off by just watching me over a webcam does he have an issue with real, physical contact, especially when he lives in the same city as me? Wouldn’t the effort of actually arranging to have the real thing be worth it?” —The Gate (US)

Betsey Styles, the author of this column, is the “relationship advice” columnist for a Canadian newspaper. Given her position and given some of the things that she admits in the article, it is peculiar that she doesn’t comprehend the sexual use of webcams. She seems to think that sex mediated by technology is acceptable when it’s a supplement to an existing physical relationship, but not when it is that relationship. Well, what’s the matter with relationships that occur only via machine? Is it really any worse to have a cybersex buddy than to have a grandchild that you only see via webcam?

Ms Styles asks: “Wouldn’t the effort of actually arranging to have the real thing be worth it?” What a naive question! On one hand, think of it from the man’s perspective. No, often it’s not worth it to set up a tryst. You just want to jerk off and go to bed. You can do that in half an hour or less. Why spend an hour trying to convince someone that you’re not a creep, then another hour taking a shower, getting dressed, shlepping across town, only to find that the person you’re meeting is too ugly or too fat or too smelly or whatever? Hell, you probably have to be to work at 9 AM. Why spend your day all tired for a sexual adventure that probably would have been disappointing anyway?

And on the other hand, think of it from the woman’s perspective. You’re really going to start inviting guys that you’ve met online into your apartment at 3 AM? Uh, Ms. Styles, that’s a pretty good way of getting yourself raped, robbed, or killed. Not that everybody online is such a freak — but so long as they remain online and don’t come over to your house, it doesn’t really matter much whether they’re a freak or not. You can have cybersex with a serial killer. So what? As long as you remain cloistered on the anonymous side of your webcam, he can’t hurt you. And hell, maybe he can really get you off. He might make you feel better than some guys make you feel by touching you. After all, some guys have leaden fingers in reality. Maybe other guys have the sexual equivalent of the Midas touch in cyberspace. Why not relax and enjoy it?

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