“Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson’s courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench. The explanation, investigators said, is even stranger than some imagined: the judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials… Police built a case against the judge after one of Wall’s officers testified during a 2003 murder trial. From the witness stand, the officer saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson’s robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk. Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson’s robes and the chair from behind the bench and found semen, court records showed… Thompson’s court reporter, Lisa Foster, told authorities she saw him use the pump at least 10 times during trials. She said the first time in court was in 2000 but she did not tell authorities. ‘I didn’t want to be found dead in a ditch somewhere,’ she said. Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kevin Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster’s audiotape of the trial.” —Cnews (Canada)

(Thanks to alanr for the link.)

The most astonishing thing is that there was a similar case a little over a year ago. Does this mean that the rate of judges caught masturbating during trials is about one per year?

It is difficult to explain such crass behavior. Do wanking judges get off on their power? Or is it a simple result of overwhelming boredom? After all, being a judge has to be one of the most tedious jobs in the world. You sit there day after day after day, listening to a parade of liars — er, lawyers — make excuses for the depraved behavior of their clients. After a while, you even become inured to the thrill usually presented by stories of rape, robbery, and murder. Somebody held up a convenience store? Ho-hum. Somebody killed their grandmother to inherit her retirement account? Yawn. Somebody shook a toddler to death? Oh God, the tedium! Might as well jerk off…

You wonder about the modus operandi of His Honor the Wanker. In his mind, did he drift off to pornographic dreams? Did he pick out some attractive juror and stare at her while he pumped? Or did the lurid details of outrage and crime excite him, so that the smallest detail of a vicious incident could give him uncontrollable erections?

At any rate, you can easily envision the sorts of reforms that will have to be instituted if there are any more of these Judge Jerk Off cases. They won’t be able to hide behind tall wooden benches anymore. They won’t get to wear those concealing long black robes. They’ll have to sit at see-through glass benches wearing shorts, and with their hands pressed flat against the tops of their desks for all to see.

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