A common plot in Hollywood movies features criminals who want to commit the perfect crime and a detective who ends up finding the fatal flaw in their otherwise brilliant scheme. Another common plot features bumbling criminals who mess up their crime at every step of the way. These dodos can’t even commit a good crime, let alone a perfect one.

Now, consider the following two stories. Which type do you think they represent?

Story #1. The place: New Bedford, Massachusetts. The perp: a priest. The crime: kiddie porn… “A grand jury has indicted a Fall River priest on two counts of possession of child pornography and one count of disseminating obscene material to minors… Fernandes was arrested after he brought his laptop to a Fall River computer shop, complaining of viruses, and a technician discovered child pornography files. There were about 5,000 ‘pornographic depictions’ and about 150 ‘child pornography movies’ on the computer’s hard drive, according to police.” —Boston.com (US)

Let’s get this straight. You have some kiddie porn on your computer. The machine happens to be giving you some trouble. Do you take it to a technician to poke around with it? Or do you just reformat the thing, maybe even throw it out? After all, you can buy a new computer for a thousand bucks, which isn’t a lot of money to avoid jail.

Story #2. The place: Reno, Nevada. The perp: two brothers. The crime: rape… “Two brothers described by a prosecutor as ‘evil, corrupt and sick minded’ were sentenced Tuesday to at least five years in prison on a sex-related kidnapping charge involving two intoxicated teens they met during the 2003 Hot August Nights… The men drove home to California and dropped off the film containing the explicit photos at their local Wal-Mart. ‘The clerk who developed the photos thought they were having sex with a dead body and called the police,’ said Deputy District Attorney Kelli Ann Viloria. ‘It literally appears as if a dead body is there. It’s just grotesque what they did to her.’ The men were arrested when they returned to the store to pick up the photos.” —Reno Gazette-Journal (US)

Let’s get this straight too. Let’s say you rape some comatose teenagers. Ok, first question: Do you give in to the temptation to photograph it? After all, you’re providing undeniable evidence of yourself committing a crime for which you can spend many years in jail! Second question: Supposing you give in to the temptation to document the rape for posterity, do you then take the film to Wal-Mart to get developed? Of all places! Wal-Mart is known for its family-values mentality. Do you think they’re not going to notice you raping some girls who look like dead bodies?

Evidently these folks — the priest and the two brothers — are not criminal geniuses. Their crimes had nothing of perfection about them. In fact, their crimes were so un-perfect that it makes you wonder if they wanted to get caught. You could imagine a priest having such ambivalent feelings about his crime. Maybe he hated his own fetish and was secretly hoping to be discovered. But the brothers? Evidently they’re just criminal dodos.

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