Why My Boobies Are a Threat to National Security
“I came to Stanford as a freshman in 2001, mere weeks after the Twin Towers went bye-bye, and I was really worried about where history was headed. I was 18 and entering a world of complexities… The problem with this fear [of terrorism] now, unfortunately, is that we really don’t know what we are afraid of, and now we find ourselves in a time when… a female airport employee had to touch my breasts to make sure I wasn’t carrying anything threatening to national security under there when my underwire set off the metal detector (believe me, there’s hardly any room)… What would really help us here at home is a little more attention to what race means — aside from fear — in a society that is constantly changing demographically… We had the chance to redefine our country as a space for everyone. But we blew it and decided to be afraid. And fear never helped anyone think straight. Because after all, my little boobies have never hurt anyone, but if they are a threat to national security, imagine what damage Dolly Parton’s boobies could do.” —Stanford Daily (US)
This is a pretty dumb, rambling article, considering that its author attends one of the better colleges in the country. Its point seems to be something along the lines of, “Gee, it’s too bad terrorism got mixed up with racism here in America.” Which is true enough, but it’s not exactly a revelatory insight.
So why bring up the article here? Because when a college co-ed links her boobs to terrorism, pervs can’t help but take notice. After all, did you realize that airline employees were allowed to feel up girls’ breasts in the interests of national security? How do they know lesbians aren’t applying for those jobs as airline screeners? And if lesbians are allowed to pull female airline passengers out of line to grope them for explosive devices, then heterosexual guys ought to be able to do it too… It all kind of makes you wonder if terrorism could have a weird, unintended side effect: women going “natural” without bras so that their underwires don’t cause them to get groped in airports.
Another news item suggests that breast-related terror checks really must be a serious issue now. The author of this piece imagines “what damage Dolly Parton’s boobies could do” — well, lo and behold, it turns out Dolly might be getting breast-reduction surgery. They say that Dolly is doing it simply to fight the fatiguing effects of gravity, but now we all now better: it’s so she’s not suspected of being a booby terrorist.
I thought she did this years ago. Anyhow, It’s a Red State crisis– (What next? An Assault on Big Hair?)
Dolly Parton’s Planned Breast Reduction Surgery Prompts Red State Crisis
by Jake Novak
Country icon Dolly Parton’s plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation’s Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.
……
“We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway,” said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, “you can bet I’ll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this.”
Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16’s on alert.
……
Sources say political director Karl Rove is working with Attorney General John Ashcroft on a Constitutional Amendment barring Parton from having the surgery, but there are some complications.
“We’re having trouble justifying changing our most precious legal document just to protect one chick’s rack,” said an DOJ official who asked to remain anonymous, “however, we are having more success with another strategy that would have Ms. Parton declared an enemy combatant and sent to Guantanamo. That could stall the surgery for at least 3 years,” he added.
Parton has remained quiet about the growing crisis, but she is receiving some support in the remaining Blue state strongholds.
“We would like to extend our warmest invitation to Ms. Parton to come and have her surgery here,” said San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome earlier today. “we can even medevac her straight from Dollywood,” he added.
….
Senator John McCain expressed similar outrage.
“All those years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, one of the only things that kept me going was day dreams about Dolly’s gazongas, God I’ll miss them.”
If the Bush Administration is unable to stop the breast reduction insurgency in time, political experts believe the President’s options will be limited if he wants to keep Red state support.
“He’ll probably have to make NASCAR event tickets tax deductible or at least find a new way to harass homosexuals,” said University of Virginia political scientist Larry Sabato, “but losing Dolly’s boobs will really be a noticeable mistake that could hamstring his second term before it even starts.”
http://www.thefakenews.com/dollyparton110504.html
As an American I believe it is my duty, in fact my, RIGHT to have male Feds caress my breasts if it means protecting national security.
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