“‘Women’s pubic hair is normally shaped like an inverted triangle, but some is oblong or elliptic-shaped,’ pubic hair researcher Kosai Jumon tells Asahi Geino, adding that the shape of a woman’s ‘underhair’ often determines her sexual proclivities…. Jumon’s recently released book ‘Tamashi Yura Ageman (Rising Fortunes of the Soul)’ categorizes women’s pubic hair into five types, each of which purportedly determines its owner’s fortune. Viewing crotch coverings is supposed to determine whether a woman will make a good wife who makes her man happy or a virago who makes her husband’s life hell on earth… ‘Studying intensively while I was young and building up experience led me to refer to the pubic hair area as ‘The Zone,’ and I gradually learned everything about it,’ he says. Jumon divides ‘The Zone’ into five sub-zones endurance, attachment, action, emotion and receptivity — the shape of each determines a woman’s sexual persona… ‘A perfect wife has a clearly defined endurance sub-zone and slight traits of a receptivity sub-zone. Put simply, this means she doesn’t care a great deal about things like ethics or morals. A woman with pubic hair like this would be able to bear a lot, but also have a sexual side that allowed for unbridled wantonness,’ the pubic hair expert tells Asahi Geino. ‘In short, hair like this would indicate a good wife during the day who turns into a whore a night.’” —Mainichi Daily News (Japan)

It’s not utterly ridiculous to think that the shape of a person’s pubic hair might say something about him or her as a person — if, that is, the person actively chose to shave it into some particular shape. For example, a person who shaves his pubic hair off might have some underlying urge to regain childhood or innocence. And there are half a dozen other styles you can choose for your pubes — the racing strip, the Tiffany, the Beckham, etc — and wherever there is choice, you can make some inference or other about what the choice expresses.

But does the natural shape of a woman’s pubes express anything? Well, it might say something minor about anatomy or maybe even diet, but to think that it expresses anything further sounds pretty ridiculous. The researcher is a seventy-year-old guy who claims that his years of experience taught him the correlation between a woman’s pubes and her personality, but really you suspect he’s a nutcase on the verge of Alzheimer’s. What’s more, his notions of a “good wife” and so on are so clearly biased that it’s hard to give any credit to his perceived connection between bush and bitch. About the best you can say about his idea is that studying pubic hair has to be more fun than reading tea leaves or star chats.

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