“Toe-licking could become a criminal offense in the Netherlands after a man who licked the toes of several women was released by police without charges. The toe-licker, whose name was not released, was arrested in Rotterdam earlier this week after a woman who had been sunbathing said he unexpectedly licked her bare foot. Other women had also complained, and the 35-year-old man has reportedly been pursuing his fetish for years, but prosecutors in Rotterdam said they are powerless to stop him. ‘A lick over the foot doesn’t qualify as a crime: there has to be some kind of objective sex act committed,’ said prosecution spokesman Cees van Spierenburg in the Rotterdam Daily newspaper. ‘That’s the way the law is.’” —Newsday (US)

Being a lawmaker is a weighty and serious job. It is a position loaded with grave responsibilities — the protection of the public, the maintenance of the state, the prohibition of toe-licking. After all, what could be more injurious to the civil good than toe-licking? Suppose you want to go vote in an important election. You’re standing on line reviewing the candidates’ positions on issues of tremendous significance. Pro-choice or pro-life? Raise taxes or lower taxes? Universal healthcare or free-market HMOs? And then, as you’re contrasting and comparing the issues, you suddenly feel this wet, slobbery something on your toes. You jump. My God! Is it a frog? No! It’s a foot fetishist! Yuk!

Afterward, you’re so icked out you can’t think straight. You vote for some wacked-out candidate who believes in UFOs — and that’s how toe-licking becomes a threat to democracy. Good thing they’re going to outlaw it…

Seriously, don’t these Dutch lawmakers have any weightier issues to contemplate? And as for any citizens complaining about a random creep who cleans their toes with his tongue, there are two obvious pieces of advice: First, don’t wear sandals or thongs. Second, kick.

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