Dr. Hideo Yamanaka “offers a weight reduction that he’s convinced guarantees results. Follow his ‘masturbation diet‘ regimen, and you’ll soon be able to squeeze back into those hip-hugging jeans and impressing the gals with your svelte figure. ‘Ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories,’ the doctor says. ‘With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, and making it easier to trim down.’ ‘But,’ the doctor goes on, ‘there’s no point in ordinary activity. An ordinary young person would have to do it 100 more times a month for it to have any effect.’ Gosh, says Weekly Playboy. That’s three times a day he’s talking about. ‘Actully more like four or five, if you’re really serious,’ remarks Yamauchi. ‘For each 2 kilos of body weight, you’d need to squeeze out 2 liters of semen.’” — Mainichi Daily News (Japan)

Every once in a while you’ll see a woman’s magazine offer its readership an article about how sexual activity really does constitute a legitimate form of exercise: it burns calories, works muscles, reduces fat. Leave it to Japan then — the land where the sun is rising but intercourse seems to be decreasing — to endorse a solo version of the sex diet: weight loss for wankers. They even have a name for it: Onanibics, i.e. “Onan” and “aerobics.” (Who knew Japanese etymology could be so easy?)

Of course, to lose weight it does not suffice just to pull your pud once in the evening, lying in bed, drifting off to dreams. You have to approach masturbation with the same energy and determination with which prize fighters prepare for a match. The good doctor mentions that you need stamina for each session — which must last for at least fifteen minutes — and also for multiple sessions per day. You might also try combining masturbation with other forms of exercise: you could jump while you jerk, for example. Or if you’re extremely flexible, you might be able to do situps and suck yourself at the same time. Such novel combinations of Onan and aerobics will burn even more calories and might well put you on the right track for ridding yourself of two liters of semen a day.

Wait a minute — the doctor actually says you would need to lose two liters of semen a day to lose two kilos? That’s an insane amount of cum. It’s probably physically impossible to ejaculate that much in a day. A can of soda only has about half a liter of fluid in it. Imagine having to fill up four cans with ejaculate! Impossible, isn’t it? But then again, even if it is impossible, it has to be more fun that the Atkins diet. Which would you rather do: Eat meat? Or beat meat?

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