“A mum-of-five claims bungling doctors shrunk her breasts during a routine operation. Gillian Walker went under the knife to have the silicone implants replaced in her 44DD chest. But when she came round, she found her bust was saggy and her bra size had dropped to about a 40D… Gillian, of Musselburgh, East Lothian, said: ‘I have had silicone implants in for 10 years, but was getting them swapped because they had begun to deteriorate. I was supposed to be bigger than I was before, but now I feel like I have no breasts left at all. They have left me a mess my breasts are sagging, I have lost about six bra sizes and my nipples are pointing in different directions… I tried on a 40D bra after the operation but I had to lift my breasts into it as they were sagging so much. The left one is a different shape and smaller than the right one. I am traumatised by this and feel like they have reduced my bust to nothing.’” — Daily Record (UK)

Most women who get pregnant experience an increase in the size of their breasts. Some are happy about it, some embarrassed by it. Evidently this mother of five children — who was originally a 36B — must have thought she’d gotten a taste of the forbidden fruit. Bigger, she must have thought, is better! We must — we must — we must increase the bust! So she got implants that increased her breasts to a robust 44DD. (For those of you not conversant with bra sizes, 44DD is equivalent to having a baby elephant strapped to your chest — or maybe two baby elephants.)

Now the lady is upset because her new implants are smaller than the old, her breasts look sloppy and saggy, her nipples are all out of whack. Her chest looks like one of those old cars whose chassis is bent and so it drives down the road sideways. She’s not happy, and she’s ready to sue.

But you know what? There is another moral to this story. In ancient Greek plays, the gods always punish hubris — hubris being pride on the 44DD scale. And it’s hard not to feel that, in modern times, the gods punish hooter hubris too. Who needs breasts that big anyway? It can’t be comfortable for the woman to walk around with two bean bag chairs hanging from her shoulder blades. For her lover it can’t be pleasant to touch those salt-water monstrosities. Fake tits just don’t feel like the real thing. And what’s more, there are so many horror stories about implants, it’s hard to see why a woman who didn’t suffer from some obvious defect or deformity would want falsies.

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