“The 100,000 implant testicles for dogs American Gregg Miller has sold might not have done much for the sex life of castrated canines, but they have worked wonders for the self-esteem of guilty owners… ‘The reason why I came out with it was the trauma that I went through neutering my bloodhound Buck.’ Miller asked his vet if there was any implant ’so Buck can look the same afterwards.’ There was nothing. So after a $670,000 investment, Miller’s company Canine Testicular Implantation Corp carried out its first ‘neuticle’ implant on a rottweiler named Max in 1995… ‘It’s a male thing,’ says Miller. ‘If I lost mine, I would want them to be replaced with the implants.’ Miller’s business has taken off so much that now he is being asked to provide implants for cats, horses and even bulls in Spain. One man in Colorado wanted implants for two water buffaloes and the University of Louisiana sought neuticles for 25 rats.” — News.com.au (Australia)

At first sight, this seemed like a pretty ridiculous business. If you’re going to neuter an animal, neuter it already. The new nuts don’t replace any of the lost functions. They just look more natural. So what’s the point?

But then on second thought this story stirred a potent memory. You ever see a pig get castrated? Pigs have a particularly unnerving squeal when they’re in pain. It’s kind of shrill but human, like a baby would sound if you stepped on it and tried to squeeze out all the air. This squeal makes it particularly difficult to watch a pig get castrated with nothing but a razor blade and some rubbing alcohol. That’s it — no painkiller. Just some alcohol to clean the area, grab it by the hind legs, give a flick of the wrist, and then the pig goes running off like it’s got a fire lit under it — and no doubt the pig probably does feel its crotch is burning up.

After recalling this, it’s easier to sympathize with those guilt-ridden pet lovers who want to assuage their guilt somehow. Synthetic balls may not accomplish much, but at least they make Rover look normal. You don’t have to be reminded of what you did to the poor beast every time you look at him — unless, of course, you were inclined to think it was funny to outfit him with some kind of weird balls. Greg Miller, the inventor of neuticles, reports that certain sick individuals try to buy their dogs balls that are obviously too large. Maybe others imagine even weirder types of balls — ones that glow in the dark, or explode like cherry bombs when you squeeze them.

Such requests, however, are discouraged by Mr. Miller. “We really try to make sure that the pet is properly sized before we send them out,” he insists.

VideoBox

It's like the iTunes Music Store for Porn. Download unlimited high-quality video for only $9.95/month.