“A Kenyan villager has cut off his penis and testicles with a kitchen knife ‘to teach his wife a lesson.’ Police say Alfonse Mumbo, of Kajulu Wath Orego, near Kisumu, severed his genitalia after accusing his wife, Penina of unfaithfulness… Mr Mumbo has told the East African Standard: ‘It was around 8 o’clock in the morning when I started feeling dizzy. My wife had left for the farm. I don’t know what came over me. All I remember is walking around the compound anxiously and answering many calls of nature. I found myself disgusted with the penis and decided to cut it off. I went into the kitchen, took a knife, undressed and just chopped it off. The knife was too sharp and before I realised what I had done, it was too late.’” — Western Daily Press (UK)

The unsettling thing about stories like this is that the act of castration presents itself as a spontaneous, un-premeditated, sudden and accute attack of genital self-loathing. There is no implication that the automutilator experienced deep-seated feelings of sexual ambivalence. There is no implication that he was tempted on numerous previous occasions to forcibly separate himself from Man’s Pride and Joy. No — just one morning, pissed off at his promiscuous wife, the urge overtakes him and he accomplishes the nefarious deed.

This shouldn’t fail to alarm every man. For how do you know — how can you be sure — that such an urge won’t overtake you too? There you are today, happily playing with yourself, proud of your peter, at peace with your penis — and yet tomorrow, some little demon could whisper the horrible thought in your ear, and you could find yourself powerless to resist the suggestion. You would look at the paring knife you usually use to peel grapefruit, or you would take out your Swiss Army Knife with its scissors, can opener, corkscrew — and you would just know, if only for a sudden moment, that the imperative thing is to amputate that pestiferous genital down there in your pants. After all, wouldn’t it be nice to be free of its incessant clamoring? It always wants something, every girl that walks by on the street. You can hardly think of anything without your penis screaming up into your ear for a sexual favor. Get rid of it already! There will be time for peaceful contemplation, serenity, enjoyment of the finer things in life…

Or at least that is what you might think until you do it. Then you’ll think, “My God? What have I done? To whom did I really teach a lesson?”

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