“Police say a Hempfield Township man who pedaled a panty-decorated bicycle onto the Youghiogheny River Trail was sighted just off the recreational path exposing himself and performing a sex act on a rock… One witness told police that a nude Smith was lying on top of a rock, thrusting himself against it in a simulated sex act. Another told police that Smith stood on top of the rock exposing himself. Women’s underwear, gloves and rubber straps were tied to the frame of Smith’s bicycle, police said.” — The Valley Independent (US)

It’s hard to imagine what’s going on in the mind of a man to whom exposed boulders have sex appeal. Apparently the man was drunk — but in accord with the in vino veritas principle, you have to assume that being drunk did not confuse his thinking so much as it released some previously repressed desire to get his rocks off with a rock. But why — why a rock? Is he some kind of misguided environmentalist? Did his love for the earth slip over into a lust for stone? Did he want to hurt himself by rubbing on such a hard surface? After all, you may not be able to draw blood from a stone, as the saying goes, but certainly you can draw blood from your penis by rubbing it on one.

It’s hard to understand, but then again that is the astonishing thing about sexuality. The thing that drives you mad with desire is incomprehensible to your neighbor, and vice versa. One man’s poison is another man’s aphrodisiac. One man’s pleasure is another man’s pain. Go figure. At least a rock fetishist doesn’t hurt anyone but himself, and just imagine the fossils he might leave for archeologists of the future.

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