“There is no scientific evidence that any pill can enlarge the penis… What some customers might get from Performance Marketing’s pills is a less-than-sexy dose of bacteria and other contaminants. [An independent study] turned up significant levels of E. coli, yeast, mold, lead and pesticide residues. The amount of E. coli bacteria – 16,300 colony-forming units per gram – appears to be particularly high, experts say. ‘I think it’s safe to say it has heavy fecal contamination,’ says Michael Donnenberg, head of the infectious-diseases department at the University of Maryland… The pills far exceed suggested limits set by ConsumerLab.com LLC, an independent rating agency for the nutritional-supplement industry, for coliform, a type of bacteria that can indicate contamination from water or feces. ‘You’d probably be spending more time in the bathroom than the bedroom with this product,’ says Tod Cooperman, president of ConsumerLab.com.” — Daily Herald (Chicago)

It was hard to decide what category to file this under. Aphrodisiac? Well, technically penis enlargement pills are not an aphrodisiac, though they are drugs intended to enhance sexual performance. Then again, these pills don’t do anything at all, except perhaps make you sick. So file the story under coprophilia? Well, the poor suckers taking these pills aren’t taking them because they’re full of impurities. These men are not fecal fetishists but rather dupes suffering from the delusion that a pill can pump up their penis. So that’s probably not quite the right category either. What’s needed is a combination of the two categories — or no, that would be for people who take aphrodisiacs that make them attracted to shit, or for people who take shit as an aphrodisiac. What’s needed is a category for people who unwittingly eat shit under the delusion it’s an aphrodisiac — therefore what’s needed is a category for idiots. After all, don’t these genitally insecure men do some research before plunking down $60 — that’s right, sixty bucks — for a bottle of pills that you can’t even describe as placebos since they’re too full of offal to be inert?

Then again, imagine what would happen if it was discovered that shit really could enlarge your penis. Every time a man had a date, he’d fill himself with refried beans and then sit on the toilet scooping the end product into his own mouth. “This’ll wow her,” he’d think to himself, oblivious to the fact that although he may have a big dick, no girl would want to kiss him. And if she wouldn’t kiss him, she may well not fuck him either, so what good’s the big dick? Is it just a show piece, something to take down to the gym and exhibit in the shower? Women tend to like kissing, the same as they tend to like foreplay more than men, and so you can imagine women even developing a fetish for small penises. Then men would be going around trying to figure out how to shrink their dicks, and spammers would send them emails about the same shit-filled pills but with different promises. “Minimize your penis!”

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