“A man has been arrested after having sex with a pig. The pervert was caught in the act by a passer-by who spotted him abusing the animal at an inner-city farm. Police arrived within ten minutes of receiving a 999 call and arrested the 72-year-old, who was naked from the waist down… police say the man picked a docile pig… ‘If he’d picked on one of the others, he would have been in serious trouble. They would have done him some damage.’” — This Is London (UK)

If you ever happen to see a septuagenarian having sex with a farm animal, you’ll find yourself in a real moral dilemma. After all, what should you do? Respect for your elders would demand that you ignore it. Outrage at animal abuse would demand that you intervene. Should you call the cops, as the passerby in this story did? But nobody likes a snitch. It’s none of your business, after all. Maybe there is more to the story than meets the eye. Where you see a frog, another person sees Prince Charming — or in this case, where you see a pig, maybe the old man sees a porn queen. Then again, maybe he has bad eyesight and doesn’t see anything at all. Maybe he has Alzheimer’s. Maybe he thinks he’s having sex with his wife.

Or maybe the old man is tired of living. Rather than hang himself or gulp down a bottle of pills, maybe he has conceived of a new type of suicide. You know how “suicide by cop” involves committing a crime in full view of the police so that they shoot you? Maybe “suicide by bestiality” involves sodomizing dangerous animals. The man might not have realized his porky lover was docile. Maybe he thought it was a ferocious pig that would kill him as he climaxed. And if it didn’t, maybe he planned to have sex with increasingly dangerous beasts: a crocodile, perhaps, or a rhinoceros. You might have seen him in the zoo next, pants around his ankles, committing euthanasia in the embrace of an orangoutang.

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