“A drunken Croatian exhibitionist nearly lost his genitals when the owner’s dog bit him, the official news agency HINA said in Zagreb. The man, 36, was visibly intoxicated when he stopped in front of a woman’s house. When he opened his fly and put his private parts inside the fence, her dog came from the other side and bit him. The terrified man somehow managed to separate his genitals from the dog, but suffered serious injuries.” — Sydney Morning Herald (Australia)

If there is any moral to this story, really it should be about the evils of drink. Alcohol can impair your decision-making so thoroughly that you fail to “look before you leap” and thereby exhibit your meat to some nasty old guard dog. Or perhaps “exhibit” is the wrong word, since really this guy sounds less like an exhibitionist than a drunk looking for a place to urinate. Far from exposing himself and thereby “insulting moral feelings of the citizens,” which is apparently the legal euphemism for exhibitionism in Croatia, the guy seems to have wanted to shield himself from public view by sticking his penis inside the fence. It just so happens he picked the wrong fence.

And was anybody ever so miserably punished for downing a few too many drinks? It’s so horrible — imagine the guy flattened face-first against the fence as the dog bit down on him — that you almost wonder if he was a symbol somehow, a kind of Christ figure. Jesus died for your sins, and this guy seems to have been mutilated on behalf of every man who’s ever gotten drunk and done something nasty with his member.

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