“A mail carrier Wednesday came across a vibrating package that led to the evacuation of the post office and the surrounding area. Once X-rayed, the box’s contents turned out to be X-rated. A letter carrier noticed the package at about 10:30 a.m., because it was ‘giving off a sound of some sort…’ ‘The X-ray showed some kind of wires and something else,’ Miles said. Suspicion was raised that the package was not harmless. ‘It’s not school supplies,’ Miles chuckled. Once the package was opened, authorities found it contained adult toys including a vibrator and massage oil.” — Gwinnett Daily Post (GA)

This was just a cute story until authorities discovered this week that terrorists are in fact trying to disguise explosives as portable electronic devices. (Not that this should have been a surprise. Anybody remember Lockerbie?) Soon we will all be forced to fly without our laptops and our handhelds and our cell phones, and at that point terrorists will no doubt look to sex toys as the next frontier in weaponry. After all, if you can hijack a plane with a box cutter, you can do it with a sex toy too. You can bludgeon the flight attendants with a dildo. You can fire ben wa balls out of homemade slingshots — perhaps you can even use a garter belt to make the slingshot. It won’t be long before budding terrorists amputate their penises and try to board airplanes wearing strap-ons stuffed with plastic explosives. Or maybe they’ll use women who’ve undergone a frightful surgical procedure that replaces the clitoris with a blasting cap.

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